FLO-Rida..

They say go big or go home..

 (ps never understood that phrase.. even if you go big you will eventually go home..)

..anyways i didn't feel like going home at that exact moment in time so i decided to go to

FLO-Rida!

Ps.. realize this is a BIG damn deal..

cause to travel cross-country it generally involves a plane ride.. 

which generally means leaving the safety of mother earth..

in this case it did..

BUT 

it was OLYVIA'S SWEET SIXTEEN BIRTHDAY 

weekend.. so i being ever the good big sister i am make the journey to b-e-a-utiful

Sarasota Florida 

also known as the best locale that, that great peninsula of a state has to offer..

SERIOUSLY

the sand feels like a mixture of 

POWDERED SUGAR & HEAVEN!

& the water in the gulf???

feels like BATHWATER... or like a peespot in a public swimming pool..

anyways point being

I had a  fabulous time!!

Uncle Chuck & Aunt Sara are bomb.com

even if their cats are anti-social..(someday we'll be BFF's.. it's inevitable)

While i consider myself a

WORD NINJA!

able to paint pictures using mere phrases

I decided it'd be more fun to just show actual pictures to chronicle our JOURNEY!!

ENJOY Y'ALL:)

   It all started with Mom, Burke, Coley & Gabe

(still in utero)

attending the Brigham City Temple Open House..

(me, Lyvie, Aunt Sara, Uncle Chuck, Sophie (cat), & Bandit (cat)

are already in Florida at this moment)

 so..

on Saturday we decided to go to the beach..

ps. Sarasota has the NUMBER ONE BEACHES IN AMERICA!!

true story folks..

anyways walking through the beach club to get down to the beach a cement volleyball stand pops out of

NO WHERE!!

& i kick it

with stank mind you & i completely rape my toe..

i'm talking blood, gore, the whole 9 yards..

& if that didn't bust it the fact Olyvia kneeled on it directly prior to this picture being taken

ensured the fate of my poor little broken piggy..



Here is Aunt Sara, Lyvie, & Brooke prior to wave jumping!
SO MUCH FUN!!




Burke & Coley playing in the waves..
LOOK OUT! IT'S JAWS!!




Coley & Burkey walking into the water.. Bomo looks like a giant..



 Aunt Sara, Lyvie, & I sunbathing on the beach..

 It's a PIRATE PARAPALEGIC ALLIGATOR!!

 Me & mom made Lyvie into a masterpiss sand sculpture..

 Night swims are fun!! Sexual assault is bad..

 Olyvia's birthday breakfast..

it was in bed but we coaxed her out..

it consisted of:

oreo ice cream cake, funions, skittles, & strawberry milk in a champagne glass

 For Oly's actual birthday we went to the Tampa Zoo!

here we are in front of the manatee statue..

ps..

coley ordered me to hide her belly.. i think i did pretty well

 Brooke getting a little close for comfort to nasty vulture/dodo bird thing..

Coley looks concerned..

 Lyv feeds the birds nectar!

 Brookes turn.. they really liked her!

 And here go MahooMoo

 Moo even had to make sure she showed the Rooster love

 :)

 Burkey really makes the Giraffe work hard for that lettuce..

 Coley is getting braver..

 I lied!

 Our theory with this animal is that God just threw a bunch of spare parts in a bag.. shook it up.. & this is what happened..

 Coley showcasing the goods..

 Brooke doesn't believe in personal bubbles..

also she wants to rear Cole's child..

 This is a REAL sign in Florida!!

it says you shouldn't MOLEST the alligators..

see it says it right there..

 Feeding the Sting-Rays..

GROSS!!

i did not participate.. partly because i'm camera girl.. mostly outta respect for Steve Irwin

 This basty tried to jump out &

KILL

me.. truth..

 Coley had to wait to feed the smallest stingray in the pool.. she's pretty picky

  a DISGUSTING monkey in a shirt..

doesn't matter if you dress it up..

if you put a cute shirt on a muffin top it doesn't make it a cupcake

 so..

here is the story..

 we're walking around the exhibits.. this is the last one we went to..

& there is this seemingly homeless cat walking around..

naturally my 'save all cats' instincts kick in & my sole mission is to save this animal before a gator gets it

 so i grab the feline & all seems to be going well

..rescue mission seemingly successful..

when all the sudden the ingrate starts to use me as a

SCRATCHING POST..

he uses all sorts of acrobatic & escape methods to evade my firm grasp..

unfortunately for puddy tat

this WASN'T my first rodeo..

so i manage to roll with the punches

& hold onto him for a solid couple minutes

& then we look up & zoo staff is looking at me with queer expressions

so i then inform them i found this poor helpless soul & it needed rescue

I was then informed that the cat's name is Apollo & he wasn't in any danger..

NOR was he homeless..

he was in fact the zoo's cat..

so fellow crazy cat ladies

GET ON MY LEVEL!

i almost unintentionally almost stole/(mostly halfway saved) a zoo cat..

 top that..

 Loopy & Aunt Sara & her gourmet cake!!

SERIOUSLY

chocolate fudge & coconut creme

with BUTTERCREAM frosting!!

 Aunt Sara & Uncle Chuck bought Lyvie the new sequined

UGG boots

for her birthday..loved?? ya just a wee bit!

 ps..

by brushing the sequins UP or DOWN you can make them

DIFFERENT

colors..

brooke was amused :)

 Oly decked out in her birthday gear..

ps..

i love that dress.. super cute..

 The Blonde Squad

 on the way back

we HAD to stop by Ivie's

to say hi!

& he had just adopted this cute little gem!

she is the

CUTEST LITTLE MEATBALL EVER!

Daddy Daughter Moment!

PRESH!

HINDSIGHT 20/20

Lately i look at America's youth & i think

there is no hope for the future.

 It's really rather disheartening to know that the retarded gangbangers & scum sucking roadwhores i see walking around our High Schools will one day soon be considered grownups.

I realize that not all of our nations minors fall into those 2 catagories

BUT

 the fact that there are enough of them out there to be considered a 'catagory' is enough to make

my morals shudder!!!

 Now admittedly i wasn't the brightest ray of sunshine or easiest teenager. So i got to thinking

 'What would I tell HS Amy if i had the opportunity?'

..and this is what i came up with..

1. Put the eyeliner DOWN!

Seriously. There is a reason your friends have dubbed thee
'Fran The Drag Queen'

2. Stop being SO self conscience!

Everyone is so wrapped up in themselves that NO one is paying attention to the small insignificant things you're picking yoursef apart over..

So learn to LOVE the weird quirks that make you, you!

3. Some people never grow up.

There are going to be people, some even in positions of authority, that

never grow out of the HS mentality.

They will be unfair to you. They will talk down to you. They will royally piss you off.

 But don't let the fact that they are small people define who you are, belittle you, or make you feel inferior. EVER!

Just give them the invisable finger & suck it up!

Cause HS is not that long. And you're gonna have to deal with shitty small people for

the. rest. of. your. LIFE! 

4. Think before you speak!

Seriously.

Taste your words BEFORE you spit them out.

Just because you think it does NOT mean you need to share it out of your big mouth.

Sometimes silence is golden.

And lets be frank.

   You're not always being honest. Sometimes you're just being a BITCH!

5. Smile..

  You have a perma grimace that makes it easy to percieve you as angry.

When in actuality you just have an inherenty 'pissed off looking' nuetral face.

So flash people your pearly whites to let them know

 you. don't. hate. the. world :)

6. Put the tweezers down!

For reals though!

what. are. THOSE!

they are icky & they look like skinny little butt cracks on your face..

7. Stick with organized athetics!!

Someday, not far from now, your body will change.

That's right in the near future it will start to go to shit!

HS sports are not religion!

participating in them will not bring world peace!!

and
you will never be the best at any given sport. ever!

you will regret not pushing yourself & seeing what you were capable!

8. Don't DUCK!

Years from now an ri-DUCK-ulous epidemic will strike..

THE DUCK FACE!

Do not give in! Never ever. ever. EVER!! make this face..
much less
make this face AND forever immortilize it in a picture.

9. Boy's

The male gender is mostly comprised of douchebags!!
someday, many years from now, SOME of them will grow out of it
BUT
at this age they will try anything & tell you anything you wanna hear to get
the cookie!

so keep that muffin shop closed!!..
years from now you will be happy you did!

10. Endangered Species

Succesful post High School Relationships are an endangered species!
Most of the time (granted NOT ALWAYS) they crash. and. BURN.. and RIGHTFULLY SO!
at this young age you really, honest to goodness,
are. not. in. love..

high school relationships are a lot like farts
if you have to force it
it's probaby shit!


11. BRACE YOURSELF!!

That's right! Slap those suckers on yourself
STAT!
Pester your parents until they can no longer 'FORGET' scheduling your orthodontist appointment.
Cause it's one thing to look 10 when your 15 or even 16
HOWEVER!
it's a whole new ballpark when you're 19...

12. Belly Rings Are Not For You!!
Don't try & pierce your belly button with a safety pin during your freshman year
it will HURT, look like CRAP, & you'll have to take it out for dance within 24 HOURS!
ALSO
don't repeat the idiotic move the following year substituting the safety pin for a couch embroidery needle!
it will still HURT, still look like crap, & you will
NAIL HAILE TO THE FOOTBOARD!!


13. Just be YOU!!!

You are not perfect
(by any stretch of the imagination)
 but you are perfectly you!!



PS. Boredom is BAD..
 Years from now you and Katie will be very bored one day
She will suggest permanent ink
WHEN SHE DOES
do not take her suggestion seriously..
figure out another pasttime.. any other pasttime..

cause you, being you, will pick thee most white trash option
and you will place it on the least inconspicuous body part you could possiby pick..

(in fact someone will later mistake it for a llama..
 so if you MUST choose to go through with this ill-fated idea..
at the very least
pick the LLAMA!)

eyes=the windows to your soul.. eyeBROWS!=the not to be overlooked window treatments!

eye's have oft been illustrated as the windows to ones soul.. while i'm not nearly poetic enough to describe the in such a way, i can agree, our peepers are very important features!..

 but i'm not here to talk about eyeballs.. i'm here to talk about the unsung heroes of the face.. the EYEBROWS!

even the biebs looks gosh awful CHOLOFIED!

if nothing else Mexicans are a multipurpose people.. who else would have thought to use a simple writing tool, say

a sharpie!

as a 3-in-1 miracle makeup!!

unless you're sponsered by NIKE you're eyebrows should

never. look. like. THIS

now now now.. i don't want to come accross as unfair

 & pin bad makeup application on one ethnicity..

apparently PORNSTARS can rock the 3-in-1 look as well!!

ORANGE you glad you manscaped your FACE today??

neither are we..mancard=REVOKED 

even Tim Allen has Guido problems from time to time..

now any rational person would think that eyebrows are supposed to go

ABOVE! your eyes.. not the sides of them.. dumbest. looking. eyebrows. EVER!

this girl wanted her eyebrows drawn on (& i quote) 'Right MEOW!' 

i just threw this little gem in because a. this woman is terrifying & b... she looks like our cat. COON

coon

& these were thrown in to further horrify you & prove my point that you can be an

OUTSTANDINGLY beautiful human being

but

withOUT good eyebrows.. or eyebrows in any sense..  

well then go on ahead & color yourself UG-A-LAY!

BABY GOT way too much BACK!

so.. thanks to my moo moo i have always had an ample dairy air.. indeed 'i got it from my mama'.. all of it.. camels have humps for which to live off for many weeks & i kind of consider those is the same league as my rearend..cause i believe they could potentially serve the same purpose, if necessary..because i am the creature in rap stars dreams..a big booty beezy..anyways point being I HAVE AN ABNORMALLY FAT ASS..

it's always caused me angst.. basically 24/7.. & even more so with bathing suit season rapidly appraoching us.. i know. YIKES! but this year i decided to be proactive about it.. about mid january i began hitting the gym at least 5 days a week & am up to running 6 miles at a time.. i know, i'm no kenyan.. however for me this is a big deal.. now while this did help my mushy-wintery-outta-shape body immensely! it is discouraging to report the butt has gotten BIGGER.. okay so 'gym by itself'.. obvi not gonna cut it if i want to be able to proudly go to a beach, & not fear causing a small to medium earthquake, when i slowmotion baywatch run through the waves.. joke!! i. NEVER. do. that.. so late one night, tv's on, & all good shows are over.. leaving only D grade (at best) television..aka=infomercials.. which admittedly naturally encourage my gag reflex BUT this time, it struck my fancy, pushed product in question?? BRAZIL BUTT LIFT!! i listen on.. it promises to LIFT! SCULPT! TONE! SHRINK! my problem areas!! in 2 months.. oh yes IF purchased the bane of my existance will CEASE TO EXIST! in 60 days!! ever the skeptic, i start to question whether of not it can in fact fufill all my hopes & dreams.. then i'm told it's the SECRET to VICTORIAS SECRETS models coveting backsides! and with that i. am. SOLD! so i order it.. yes i bought into an infomercial.. feel free to judge.. i'm almost a week into it & i can't for sure tell you it's working, BUT i can tell you, muscles i didn't even know i possessed, are constantly on fire..(& yes.. yes i do kind of feel a little bit like Katniss) getting off a toilet now demands all of my willpower! so hopefully in about 7 more weeks i can tell my 'nay-sayer' self to suck it! & will be able to bounce a quarter off my newly lifted, sculpted, toned, & SHRUNK, posterior!