Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Helen Keller Jokes - DEAF-initely unacceptable

Not what you think..if i'm thinking what i think you're thinking..i think..

okay.. so judging solely by this blog posts title
 you're probably now thinking that it is
going to be about me, being a dick, making fun of the KELLSTER..


i mean come on folks..
that would be extremely
of me..
(yes bad puns are my calling)
really though, it's going to be so much more than that
due to my preggers brain
(medical term=stooopid)
i have a hard time focusing on any
thing to even make a full blog post..
so this is going to be a medley of everything that has been running through my mind today
everything that i can remember
it will be a 'trailmix blogpost' if you will

i am disturbed
not SUPER disturbed
 MODERATELY disturbed..
over cereal ads today
this isn't a recent developement persay
it's just not something that i talk about a lot
mostly cause it's not something that comes up
in normal day-to-day conversations
(although admittedly most things that fill my daily oral banterings aren't things that come up organically..)
anyways you may be wondering
'what is Amy's beef with breakfast foods'

well aside from the fact that i can't partake in most of it
a fact that i'm not bitter about all..
i don't like to think of my food as being
full of sugar & perservatives while being void of any nutritional value i can live with
 i find myself slightely horrified over the ever growing number of tv ads featuring
cereal EATING cereal
& it's not even cereal consuming different brands of cereal!
which just adds to the sickness of it all
like sister cereal eating sister cereal
i mean 3rd cousin cereal munching on one eachother MIGHT be more acceptable
but overall it's just not something i'm comfortable with cause
& maybe i'm taking this too far & thinking about this a little more than i should
so judge me if you want
i don't want to be able to associate ANY part of my morning with the Donner Party..

too soon??

while we're on the subject of commercials
is there really a need to make
30 second slot as racially diverse as humanly possible??

admittedly this occurs in MOST commercials today
but i notice ethnicity keeps it's pimp hand especially strong when peddling clogged arteries
let me let you in on a little secret FA(s)TFOOD corperations
you. do. NOT
have to make every promotion as colorful as a box of crayons
people will keep buying your products
America's obesity epidemic has pretty much ensured

you. will. be. successful.
so please..
tone down the color brigade
(however i must admit i LOVE that while trying to fit as many 'flavors' into their ethnic trailmix as possible they always, always, ALWAYS include a GINGER..which in a way including them segregates them even more) 

toilet paper
there is one ad in particular that i'm thinking of
& it's one where there are multiple women
talking about
'what they want from there toilet paper'
& maybe i'm just easy when it comes to my theraputic paper
all I want from my TP is it to be there when i'm doing my business..
& these ladies are going off talking about how they want theirs to be
dependable, strong, soft..ect. ect..
& in my head i'm thinking are we still talking about bath tissue..
cause it kinda sounds like your confusing your requirements for crapper paper with what you want in a man??
then it gets worst
when one of the paid spokespersons talks about how she wants to
'get clean, while 'staying clean'
as in wipe WITHOUT breaking through
& so then i'm borderline horrified cause i'm wondering
you're not trying to remove paint!!
(why i even have to point this out initiates an inner face palm)

was the bi-stake boys church ball championship
i did NOT go watch
mainly cause my little brother doesn't love me & didn't invite me..
a little because being around that many minors makes me feel a tad bit like a
(^^^that picture SCREAMS 'surprise adoption' ps^^^)

which meant more than my ward is boss
it meant that life in the DeCoria household was good tonight
& honestly it really didn't matter that i didn't go observe
cause i got to listen to Dad & Ben break down the game when they got home
(the depth they can reach when talking about the 
form of an athletic undertaking is admirable..) 
well Ben told us that one of our church leaders
(who was the stand in coach for the beginning part of the game)
did something that i found
in church ball
he flat out said
'i don't believe in everyone's a winner, cause there will be ONE winner & ONE loser, so if you play well you're going to get more playing time'
& i really want to air five/knucks the man that said this cause it's absolutely right!
i mean i know it's
& it's meant for everyone to be able to participate
but that doesn't necessarily mean equal playing time..
& honestly human nature dictates
'people like to WIN!'
especially when talking about teenage boys..
(they are soooo moody)
anyways so now we're talking about the whole
how should game time be divided so it's
fair while still sensible
 & Ben seemed a little in disbelief that they are more concerned with
equality than victory
which got the screws in my mind turning
 & i had to stop him & say okay you think it's bad with
we could have
& they would get JUST as much playing time as
any other player on the team
so there ya have it..
while it doesn't always make sense to the players
makes a heck of a lot more sense when you got a 'P' instead of a 'V'..

PS.. for a full hook-up see IVIE..
March Special only $19.00 ;)

Thursday, February 14, 2013


i want you, i need you, oh baby, oh baby

 today is once again that blasted competely arbitrary 24 hr period where people treat their significant other the way they should treat them the other 364 days of the year
(it's not like being treated well for ONE day should make up for all the other days in the year that you were treated like dog dump..slate=not clean)

now i'm not just anti-today because i don't have someone special to shower me with gifts & kiss my ass/the very ground i walk on..
no thats not it
so lets be clear that i have never understood the need to have 'today'
& most gifts fall flat in my book..

candy-seems like a bust,you just eat it & feel quilty later when your slaving away at the gym
flowers??- here let me give you a dying plant.. that was viciously assaulted so you can put it in water only to watch it slowly die (much like my feelings for you will most likely do one day)
stuffed animals-geez thanks, my dog is going to love this when i let him anhialate this & leave the fluffy guts strewn from hell to breakfast

but alas what do i know..
it still comes every year without fail
& it seems as if there is no stopping it
(if i could be the grinch of valentines day i'd do it.. i'd do it in a heartbeat.. a hummingbird heartbeat.. & those are fast)

however this year on VDay (gag)
i. wasn't. alone..
mostly due in part to the  fact i pack around a tiny human being all. the. time
so i'm NEVER alone
i mean i looked alone
fat and alone
but sometimes looking like you belong on an episode of Maury happens

in spite of today being what it was i had a pretty good one
i have my coley here :)
which means i also have muh chunkmunk on hand :) :) :)
sushi for dinner
nerds for dessert
& a footrub was my perfect nightcap

essentially i'm greatful i made it through today mostly unscathed

ps.. i know a lot of people were complaining about it being
'single-awareness day'
& to all of you i say
you have many, many other days to be aware that you are
everyday can be your 'single-awareness day' if you let it be
..your welcome..

ps.. i realize this blogpost was 'BRIEF'
 (see what i did there??)
but it kinda just felt like a short-story/written-the-day-it-was-due sorta day

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Well that was extremely MOVIE-ing..

Speaking of CINEMAtters..

Everyone has that one family member
You know what i'm talking about
the one that you love to hate to watch any sort of movie with..
well in my case EVERYONE of my kin falls into that catagory
in some way or another

and admittedly it might (but probably not) be partly due to me
after-all i have a hard time
playing peanut gallery

To begin my little analysis i'm gonna start with my familys head honcho

That's more like it..
Okay so this lovely lady is Moo Moo
lover of all things Pixar
she is not THAT bad to watch movies with..
as in
 while they are still going
 immediately after they end can be a different story
the movie was set in the south, deep south, anywhere near the southern states,  any character had even a HINT of a southern accent, or if fried chicken and/or collard greens was any part of the movie..
let's be clear..
 my mother is from NORTHERN Idaho
(which ps. is different from Idaho as a whole.. it should really be it's own state) 
she was raised no where near the southern east coast
so we're really not sure why she likes to go through the following 2 weeks seemingly possessed by Della Maes backwoods inbred cousin Cleetus..
we're not even sure if her accent is Southern or Retard..
all we know is it's kinda like a Miley Cyrus movie
as soon as it STARTS we want it to STOP..

'Dad' you not asked a million questions you'd have never figured it out..
oh wait you still don't get it..
or as we sometimes call him
Curious George
unless he started the movie with you & pays close attention
his questions will be endless & he still will usually not 'get it' by the end of the movie..
however he doesn't just leave it at the credits
he'll take it with him & ponder it for a few days, trying to make sense of it
 and then days later he'll bring it up & spell out the already spelled out movie..
at least he's persistant!! he always figures it out
he actually likes LOUIS LAMOURE movies..
as in the books weren't enough for him to realize
'holy heck i've read this same story 50 times over'
he has to WATCH that same song and dance too..
(be honest people.. reading more than one of his books is like
wiping before you poop
it don't make sense..)

Coley coley trolly bumholey
where do i start with this poser
(sidenote: she wants to be me.. she doesn't even know it.. but i'm like her hero)
actually she is probably my most favorite person to watch stuff with
she is an excellent addition to my peanut gallery
her only flaw is she doesn't like watching traggic love stories
which doesn't fly
cause they are like my favey
(i'm a sadist)
also.. she is superb at movie quotes..
especially of the Disney Genre
(yes i'm giving them their own genre)
& she can remember the names of even the smallest insignificant characters
(yes sometimes i wonder if she is slightly autistic & thats her tell..that & phone numbers) 

yup.. this nutsucks included in this blog too.. seeing as he's part of our gene pool now.. can't keep him out.. can't hold him down
Phillbilly's achilles heel is he likes any movie..
okay that's a bit of a broad overstatement
Phil likes any movie that any NORMAL self-respecting human wouldn't..
as long as there are fast cars, big explosions, bad accents, impossible fight sequences, & next to no plot
he is one happy camper..
oh and he loves the movie
p.s i love you
(which triggers my involuntary gag reflex)

the piece de resistance
the biggest reason for this seemingly reasonless blog
okay so brooke has selective goldfish syndrome..
she can watch a movie
 than 100 times.. 
yet anytime she watches said movie it's as if it's a new experience for her ENTIRELY..
this is best exemplified when she watched horror films..
the whole time she'll be like
(remember she's already seen this movie multiple times)
or i always love it when she cheers on the characters
when NO..
 they can't make it..
 they won't make it this time just as they haven't made it the last 10 times..
she really has a reoccuring problem with giving the characters false hope..
..dream killer..

'Ben' is this getting over?
Ben, while also being very adept at movie quote battles, is very poor at being the butt of most of our cinema related jokes..
which is ridiculous cause we are obvi hilarious..
but trust that this is no fault of ours
he needs to learn to suck it up
and take multiple hits for the team..
it's kind of hard to really put a finger on what makes it hard to watch movies with Ben..
mostly cause he watches few movies with us
us=his family
he mostly avoids us like we are the plague
(the plague of awesomeness)

roly poly OLY!
Lyv likes to fight me on watching movies she's never even heard of..
she usually moans and groans & throws in multiple
'this movie looks gay', 'amy i don't want to watch this, & "i already hate it'
before the previews even have a chance to be viewed..
she normally ends up liking the movies
(not all of them but most)
she can be extremely loud and mobile during slasher flicks..
for loooooooooong periods of time..
it get's to the point where you're like
'she's definetly used up her entire oxygen supply so how is she still making noise?'
even the characters in the movie are like
'chill small blond girl!'
she's made a habit of asking me key plot questions that could potentially spoil the ending
over and over until i answer her..
 she gets upset at me for telling her..
making me the bad movie buddy
(i just give people what they want)

Monday, February 4, 2013

Spank the Plank

unorthodox FAM rocks..

so tonight we're all sitting around being related & such..
well i guess not phil..
he was here by default
(when i say default i mean he married my sister)
so, you see, no blood relation

(we keep him around mainly for reproductive purposes via my sister.. they've done really well so far & we'd like more like Gabe.. eventually)

i realize it WAS a monday night
so according to Mormon culture
monday night=FHE
we didn't label it or make it formal
(but i'm gonna say it was an unofficial FHE..)

so we're all watching 'the biggest loser'
(lots of fatties breathing hard & shaking lard)
they're exercising.. being sweaty.. looking miserable
& in the midst of this perspiration & sadness comes
so i look at Ben & ask if he is even capable of doing the plank..
not really waiting for a response
i then may or may not (or may) have trash talked him
saying that i could 'out-plank' him
he then told me i can't even do the plank
(referencing my convex midsection as the reason for my inability to perform)
i of course scoff at him & immediately show him i CAN infact plank
(2 points for the preggers team)
so then we decide that we are going to have a little healthy competition..
so Phil, Coley, Ben, Lyv, & Myself all position ourselves around the living room
and the well-being promoting battle commenced

so we're battling the bulge
people on TV are battling the bulge (a much bigger bulge but a bulge nonetheless)
the bulge doesn't stand a chance..
admittedly our refs (mom, dad, gabe)
had to tell some of us to 'put our butts down' so that we were in
but all in all everything is going well
but eventually Coley falls
(she just had a baby 3 months ago.. & it was a rough pregnancy)
shortly thereafter Ben goes down
(he did NOT have a baby 3 months ago & will never have a pregnancy)

Phil then wants to make it interesting and says
so the remaining three
(Lyv, myself, & Phil)
one arm it..
i then see Lyv cheating by means of using her other arm to help prop herself up..
so i take my free arm & push her cheating apendage away..
causing her to fall over
Lyv is now OUT!

so now it's just me & Phil
aka: the final countdown
aka: the babies conceived in the 80's, born in the 90's
aka: shit just got real
and neither one of us is backing down..
we stay propped up all Side saddle like for a while longer
i say 'nuts to this' & shift back to the
good old-fashioned

so then we're still there fighting the good fight
(ps realize it has turned into a pretty lengthy competition at this point)
at this point I'm starting to feel really warm, my belly is really flexed..
Phil's camo shorts are FAR up his crack & his butt cheeks are clenched
(my mom is asking me to please not go into labor over this)
but now is not the time to worry about a birthing!
now is DO or DIE & neither of us want to lose..
 eventually one of us has to falter..
where there is a winner there must also be a loser..
so Phil went down and i WON!
amy rules & phil drools

you're right it didn't happen that way..
actually i finally dropped down & subsequently made Phil victorious
(ps as it turns out i didn't have to go down that far seeing as my belly cleared the floor by AN INCH)
but i put up a good amount of effort..
he can feel good about his 1st place finish knowing he had to work for it..

and NO.. i didn't balance on my belly to secure my 2nd place finish
(i wasn't going to be a bad mother & use my baby to cheat my way to the top
..almost top..)
i got there all by my-36 weeks pregnant-self!
doing what i do
reppin all the baby mama's

so there you have it
my LENGTHY retelling of seemingly mundane family activities

peace & blessings y'all:)

ps.. in case any were wondering i listened to my moo moo & didn't send myself into labor!

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