Monday, March 7, 2011

Step Heavily Upon the Lawn

this is bencat..he has 4 teeth & a milky eye..he is fat & old..he illustrates the physique of most our animals  
this is my baby vegas.. she has a thyroid condition.. & can't help that she has extra loving.. she also illustrates the round shape that most of our animals have taken on..  i show these images as proof to how out of shape our DeCoria pets are, to better paint the picture for the story below.. 

For those of you who don't know me very well, I've got to inform you that walking is one of my favorite pasttimes. Especially at night. It sounds creepy but I really love just taking an i-pod and hitting pavement when the sun goes down. Mind you I said WALK not RUN. I'm not nearly motivated enough to just go jogging for the heck of it. This girl runs only when chased. So summer 2008 I took a loooooot of walks in the dark. My family has a knack for turning out over weight animals.. no actually morbidly obese is a more correct way to describe there physical condition. So I put two and two together and decided I'd kill two birds with one stone and take one of our dogs on my walks with me. In an attempt to expand her life and improve her quality of living (now i wonder why i ever wanted to prolong her existance considering she is like Kane in doggy form). So I hook Dutchess onto the leash one night in early August and we start out on our little adventure. I live in Wyoming. Everyone has dogs, more specifically cow dogs, and for some reason a lot of the time they have a hard time getting along with one an another.. so when planning out my route I decided to go left, because the only dog I knew of out that direction was a 3 legged dog named Katie that seriously has to be close to 100 now.. no more then 100 yrds into our trek Dutchess is panting hard.. I mean old girl has really worked up a sweat (if dogs could sweat which of course they can't) but I being ever the tyrant drag her along behind me. We start to close in on Katies house, I am still unconcerned.. Now we're about 20 ft. from Katies house, only about 3/4 of a mile form my front door, and Dutch is wheezing like she has asthma. No immediate danger in sight so I keep walking. 10 ft. Katie starts to bark, I respond with a "Oh shut up Katie" and continue to proceed without a care in the world and then we were dead even with her doorstep. She looked, growled, paused, and then she took off. Now don't let the fact that she was missing one leg and as old as father time fool you into thinking that she was a slow dog.. old girl could move!! so I take off in a semi=brisk jog, my obese canine american in tow, to avoid a dog fight. Now initially I figured she'd chase us for maybe 40 ft. 50 at most and then turn around to go back to the very important job of protecting her turf.. I was sorely mistaken, Tri-pod chased me and my dog for nearly a half mile. I'm not used to that kind or amount of physical exertation so my legs were sore and my lungs a burnin.. Poor Dutchess was trying to lie down mid-stride and just go towards the light.. if she could will her fat rearend to make it that far that is.. So finally we were able to outrun that decievingly determined dog, I was able to regain my breath, & sadly Dutchess didn't die.. moral of the story never underestimate the old and decrepid or crippled and disfigured.. but still looking back even now I'm not sure if what i feel is resentment towards gimp dog or admiration... perhaps a bit of both..

Great to be a Guy!

Okay so I created my ‘Reason’s Women are Superior’ list & as expected there were those of you out there that got your panties in a wad over the whole thing.. so I have comprised a list of reasons it’s ‘Great to be a Guy’.. the male gender has some pretty cool benefits associated with having a wang & I am woMAN enough to admit it so here goes..

‎1.You can pee standing up.. the world is you’re urinal

2. On that note, you can also write your name (& a variety of other things) in the snow

3.You can help create life until your basically on death’s doorstep (in the words of 90 yr old Porter Norman Rockwell 'this pencils still got a lot of lead'.. I know.. WHORK!!!)

4.Drama free!! (For the most part)

5. No make-up!! You guys can shit, shower & (kinda) shine in 10 flat

6. Faster metabolisms.. & if you retain water it’s in a canteen

7. You don’t hold onto dumb things for no reason.. you can forgive AND forget.. also you don’t read into & over think every tiny detail

8. Men never have to shave below the neck.. a small margin compared to all the fur that women have to take off in order to be accepted by society

9. Men tend to have higher incomes even when doing the EXACT same job as their female counterpart

10. No boobs=no bras=no strap marks=no sore backs..

11. Less likely to be hassled by weirdo’s.. (to many of your dismay)

12. Childbirth.. & pregnancy really.. your part in procreation is a mere blink when looking at the scheme of things..

13. If you sleep around you’re curious (& grossly stud-like??).. if I sleep around I’m a skeezy crack whore

14. Religions favor you.. as do many world cultures..

15 Movie nudity.. almost always female.. & when it is male it’s usually not worth watching

16. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter (that percentage may or MAY have been pulled out of thin air).. also you don’t need a posse to be able to make a succesful trip to the crapper

17. Pack lighter.. you can make it a week on one bag

18. You never HAVE to fake it..

19. If another guy shows up to a party wearing the EXACT same outfit it results in high fives and sometimes even a life-long friendship.. (if that happens to women we hold a grudge equal to a low-budget Asian horror flick)

20. You don’t HAVE to wear high heels, make sure you can fit into your skinny jeans, &/or willingly strap your girls into modern-day torture devices (pushup bras)

21. Sit with legs wide open..all the time

22. If you hit 30 & you’re still not anywhere near the LAST legal (& widely socially acceptable form) of slavery: marriage.. nobody wonders what’s wrong with you.. if a woman hits mid to late twenties with NO possible prospects on the horizon (a lot of the time by CHOICE) people automatically assume we're on a one-way street to cat-lady land..

Women- The Dominate Gender

*if you’re male read the following context below with the knowledge it could invoke feelings of Gender be warned..

‎1.We can get out of most traffic infractions with our feminine wiles, charming personalities &&& if all else fails BOOBS.. .. what is this speeding ticket thing you speak of?

2.We live longer (fact)

3. Multitasking

4. We give life.. boys just give seed (like a feed store)

5. Higher pain tolerance.. case is point childbirth

6. We can forgo wearing underwear and it’s not weird, in fact some say it’s alluring.. if boys do the dangle, it’s just creepy.. and gross..

7. We can fake it.. ya good luck with that one boys..

8. If we’re considered ugly we can use makeup & new hairstyles to somewhat rectify the situation.. if a boy is ugly, he's just ugly..

9. We can reach a remote even if it is initially outside the realm of our grasp

10. We can blame that mark on our neck on a curling iron

11. We’re proven better drivers.. (go compare insurance costs before you argue with me)

12. We can wear high heels that instantly give the illusion of a butt-lift while simotaneously slimming off ten pounds

13. Wearing spanx can also give the same illusion of weight loss..

14. We watch sports & when we know what’s going on we’re laidback & chill.. if boys watch our shows (which are admittedly mediocre at best).. & they know the characters & plot it’s just straight up homo…

15. We don’t ever have to readjust &/or make sure ITS still there
16. When we have a big truck it’s not because we’re compensating for anything.. (*the clown has no penis*)

17. If we’re stupid people will usually make excuses for us. I.e we're then cute & fun & naive (& most times make if off our looks..) if a boy is dumb he's just dumb..

18. We have 7 days of legitimate & excusable orneriness.. that’s 84 days a year..(& asking us if it's 'that time' only makes you more of an ass & us less of a bitch)

19. We can end any fight (even if we’re wrong) with a few shed tears..(i'm not saying its right, i'm just saying it happens)
20. We got off the titanic first

21. We can rock guys duds.. boys can’t wear or shouldn’t wear girls clothes.. ever (*if it can fit in skinny jeans we want no part of it*)

22. Circumcision.. I needn't say more

Fresher Fares make Fast Food Franchise reign supreme!

So as many of you are aware McDonalds (fondly referred to as Micky D's) has been king of the 'fast food' mountain for.. well a long, long time.. way before this girl was born.. everytime you drive past the golden arches (yes the ones that glow brilliant yellow & make you feel your thighs expanding just by looking at them) you can clearly see the words below them boasting the fact that their chain of restaurants have served over 1 billion... ??? (it doesn't really specify what they have served but I along with the majority of the population can only assume they are talking about human beings) which okay honestly I don't really find that massive number of patrons surprising, cause think about it, they have A LOT of eateries in Asia, China more specificely, and my slanty eyed counterparts account for like half of the worlds population as a whole (okay okay that was an exageration.. but only a slight one..) whoa I have gotten way off task but now you have some back ground information & you may be surprised when I inform you that today the Greasey Goliath has been overthrown.. oh yes my friends the new supreme ruler of all things that are both food-related & speedy is none other then Jarrods baby itself.. oh yes my friends.. Subway!.. so now if you want to eat at a 'winning' franchise I suggest you go with the option to 'Eat Fresh' because we are so not 'Lovin It' anymore..

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