Saturday, April 13, 2013

That's A'MOLE!

well..that's new!!

The human body is an AMAZING thing
a wonderful, complex-at times confusing-amazing thing
There is NO other time in your entire life, that its wonder & complexity will manifest itself more greatly, than during gestation
It will also be at its MOST confusing during those 40 weeks..
at least that was the case for me
puberty, in the (ALMOST) verbatim words of Sir M.C. Hammer, 'can't touch it'

 Now during my stint with pregnancy i learned
a LOT about myself..a LOT about my body..
some of what i discovered 
MAY have manifested itself just since baby's conception
 & some MIGHT have been there my entire 22 years of being just
for me to find it
...but then again i wouldn't know because i obviously DIDN'T find it

An example of the latter being
my BOOGER mole

It all started one fine evening in early February ..
sitting around the kitchen table..
in the midst of deep meaningful conversation (cause that's all we have in casa DeCoria) my dear sister Coley suddenly exclaims (in a semi-disgusted tone)
'Why do you have a BOOGER on your shoulder?'
admittedly i'm taken aback..
my mind is reeling
'how did i get a booger on my shoulder?'
more importantly
so i find words, play it cool, & ask
'What are you talking about?'
she replies (ever degrading)
'That booger on your shoulder you filthy hampster'
so i look down to investigate
& sure enough there is what appears to be nose residue
on. my. shoulder

it was NOT a booger
it was in fact a mole
a mole that i have had my entire life
a mole that up until 8 months before was small, dark brown, & FLAT
NOT this light-brown-puffed-up-brainy-BEHEMOTH

first & foremost, i am relieved that nobody intentionally wiped a booger upon my shoulder..
secondly, i wonder, 'what the hell happened to my mole'..
and last, but to me least, ...i hope it doesn't mean cancer..

moving on to my next example
'NIPpin out'

so then maybe a week later
...maybe not even a week
i make another startling discovery
(now i'm really not sure what led me to find this next.. thing
but i found it so that's all that matters)
so that fateful morn of a very confusing day in my life
i had been to the gym & due to my growing girth
i. sweat. a. LOT
..mostly kinda sorta ONLY in my bra..
i don't get swack, i don't get swass, but i get mean swoob
due to my copious amounts of boob perspiration
 i had to switch bras once i got home
i'm in the midst of my wardrobe change
making sure everything is dry & normal
& that's when i saw it
in all it's not-normalness
towards the bottom of my right breast, what appeared to be a
third nipple, was suddenly
just. there.
i'm not going to lie to you i stared at it for an inordinate amount of time
i mean come on.. how often in your life are you going to find another nipple on your person.. & one that looks like it belongs on a CAT no less
so i'm investigating & all the while my mind was reeling..
 'WHAT AM I?!?!'
immediately i send a text to my Coley
it read
'ummmm.. sooooo.. i think i have a third nipple.. just found it..'
& i wait & i wait & i WAIT
& the response
there was no response
radio. silence.

i'm dying at this point, still in shock, needing to hash it out
& my person is letting me down
i mean in all fairness she rarely has her phone on her & even more rarely responds
but i was talking about a
it at least merited a 'bummer' or 'that sucks' or 'far out, me too!'
(ps she doesn't really have one too..)
really in my life the 2 times i've texted her when it's been really important
she kinda left me hanging
(obviously she eventually got around to responding about me being preggers.. although, she DID think the picture of a positive pee stick was a JOKE, at first..who's laughing now??)
but my 'cat teat' text??
i heard nothing
so i pulled it together, composed myself, & buried it deep, DEEP down 

the next time Coley was home though..
probably only a few days later..
i exhumed what i had pushed out of my mind
once again addressing her as i was walking up the stairs
'Cole i think i have a 3rd nipple'
 (she was at the top of the stairs with Moo)
 both suddenly take a new-found interest in my discovery & they want to see it
right. then.
i at first day no
hesitating so share it with stranger eyes..
i then realize their bodies have formed a barricade at the top of the stairs
 so if i want to reach the top i have to give the goods
...or at least show them..
so with almost no self-respect left, i make like it's spring break, raise my shirt hem & bare my bottom boob
they stare in silence for .2 seconds.
& then they laugh.. & laugh.. & laugh..
then they move closer to take a better look
& they laugh some more..
& then, finally, once it's lost some of its entertainment value
they become somewhat concerned
 & suggest i have Dr. Milleson check it out at my next OB/GYN appt..
i realize it's probably not something she deals with on the reg but i'm hoping she might be able to help me understand WHY i'm suddenly exhibiting
alarming feline tendencies

so now i'm at my final OB/GYN appt..
pee in a cup, find out how NOT-thin i am, we listen to the baby, everything's good,
& lastly she asked do you have any questions or concerns??
i say 'yes..'
(because i do..i have some VERY concerning questions)
i then proceed to ease into it by telling her about
'booger mole'
i wanted to start things out normal, not lay it on too thick too fast
she says okay well we can check it out & maybe have it biopsied if need be
i say 'wonderful'
then sit there in silence
she then proceeds to once again ask
'anything else?'
i, not being able to hold out any longer, finally have to address 'IT'
'umm.. yes.. i sort of.. i.. um.. i think i found a third nipple'
now THIS got her attention
she says with new found interest
i then proceed to show her my seemingly new nipple
she investigates & starts to ask about it
i really wasn't in any position to answer many of her questions seeing as i myself was still getting to know it
so we kinda stare at it for a minute longer
& then she let's me know that it kinda looks like maybe a mole
that it doesn't look unsafe
weird yes but not necessarily alarming
 & we'd find out soon if it lactates
that is just. what. i want. to hear

so i leave my dr's appt.
feeling somewhat liberated that 'cat teat' is out of the bag
& upon my arrival home Coley & Moo are curious
about how it went
i give them the run down about everything
& then Moo asked
'Well what did she say about 'booger mole?''
i then realize
i completely forgot about 'booger mole'!!
not only that
Dr. Milleson completely forgot about 'booger mole'
it's totally understandable
i mean COME ON
how many times does someone address you with a problem of
too. many. nipples?
i'm not sure but i'm guessing it's a really low if not non-existant number
we WERE concerned about both new developments
as soon as i whipped 'CAT TEAT' out 'BOOGER MOLE' was old news

so you might be sitting there wondering
'why did i disclose this information?' or 'how can you unread what you just read'
at the very least you can take from this
2 VERY good examples of how confusing & amazing the human body can be
1 inordinately long blog post within which you will probably read the word 'nipple' more times than at ANY other time in your life..
at least i hope that's the case
(i can't imagine many causes to have that word that many times in any one place)
 i'm going to have to raise that count
 just a few more real quick
 while i disclose that 'cat nipple' does NOT lactate
 & therefore is just a very unfortunate looking & porely placed mole..
not a nipple

 have a great rest of your day!!
be sure to floss, look left & right before crossing, & when you count your blessings 
be SURE to include
the fact that you have only dos semi-or-very-normal nipples! :)

(ps if you have more than 2 you can count as many blessings as needed per nipple) 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Helen Keller Jokes - DEAF-initely unacceptable

Not what you think..if i'm thinking what i think you're thinking..i think..

okay.. so judging solely by this blog posts title
 you're probably now thinking that it is
going to be about me, being a dick, making fun of the KELLSTER..


i mean come on folks..
that would be extremely
of me..
(yes bad puns are my calling)
really though, it's going to be so much more than that
due to my preggers brain
(medical term=stooopid)
i have a hard time focusing on any
thing to even make a full blog post..
so this is going to be a medley of everything that has been running through my mind today
everything that i can remember
it will be a 'trailmix blogpost' if you will

i am disturbed
not SUPER disturbed
 MODERATELY disturbed..
over cereal ads today
this isn't a recent developement persay
it's just not something that i talk about a lot
mostly cause it's not something that comes up
in normal day-to-day conversations
(although admittedly most things that fill my daily oral banterings aren't things that come up organically..)
anyways you may be wondering
'what is Amy's beef with breakfast foods'

well aside from the fact that i can't partake in most of it
a fact that i'm not bitter about all..
i don't like to think of my food as being
full of sugar & perservatives while being void of any nutritional value i can live with
 i find myself slightely horrified over the ever growing number of tv ads featuring
cereal EATING cereal
& it's not even cereal consuming different brands of cereal!
which just adds to the sickness of it all
like sister cereal eating sister cereal
i mean 3rd cousin cereal munching on one eachother MIGHT be more acceptable
but overall it's just not something i'm comfortable with cause
& maybe i'm taking this too far & thinking about this a little more than i should
so judge me if you want
i don't want to be able to associate ANY part of my morning with the Donner Party..

too soon??

while we're on the subject of commercials
is there really a need to make
30 second slot as racially diverse as humanly possible??

admittedly this occurs in MOST commercials today
but i notice ethnicity keeps it's pimp hand especially strong when peddling clogged arteries
let me let you in on a little secret FA(s)TFOOD corperations
you. do. NOT
have to make every promotion as colorful as a box of crayons
people will keep buying your products
America's obesity epidemic has pretty much ensured

you. will. be. successful.
so please..
tone down the color brigade
(however i must admit i LOVE that while trying to fit as many 'flavors' into their ethnic trailmix as possible they always, always, ALWAYS include a GINGER..which in a way including them segregates them even more) 

toilet paper
there is one ad in particular that i'm thinking of
& it's one where there are multiple women
talking about
'what they want from there toilet paper'
& maybe i'm just easy when it comes to my theraputic paper
all I want from my TP is it to be there when i'm doing my business..
& these ladies are going off talking about how they want theirs to be
dependable, strong, soft..ect. ect..
& in my head i'm thinking are we still talking about bath tissue..
cause it kinda sounds like your confusing your requirements for crapper paper with what you want in a man??
then it gets worst
when one of the paid spokespersons talks about how she wants to
'get clean, while 'staying clean'
as in wipe WITHOUT breaking through
& so then i'm borderline horrified cause i'm wondering
you're not trying to remove paint!!
(why i even have to point this out initiates an inner face palm)

was the bi-stake boys church ball championship
i did NOT go watch
mainly cause my little brother doesn't love me & didn't invite me..
a little because being around that many minors makes me feel a tad bit like a
(^^^that picture SCREAMS 'surprise adoption' ps^^^)

which meant more than my ward is boss
it meant that life in the DeCoria household was good tonight
& honestly it really didn't matter that i didn't go observe
cause i got to listen to Dad & Ben break down the game when they got home
(the depth they can reach when talking about the 
form of an athletic undertaking is admirable..) 
well Ben told us that one of our church leaders
(who was the stand in coach for the beginning part of the game)
did something that i found
in church ball
he flat out said
'i don't believe in everyone's a winner, cause there will be ONE winner & ONE loser, so if you play well you're going to get more playing time'
& i really want to air five/knucks the man that said this cause it's absolutely right!
i mean i know it's
& it's meant for everyone to be able to participate
but that doesn't necessarily mean equal playing time..
& honestly human nature dictates
'people like to WIN!'
especially when talking about teenage boys..
(they are soooo moody)
anyways so now we're talking about the whole
how should game time be divided so it's
fair while still sensible
 & Ben seemed a little in disbelief that they are more concerned with
equality than victory
which got the screws in my mind turning
 & i had to stop him & say okay you think it's bad with
we could have
& they would get JUST as much playing time as
any other player on the team
so there ya have it..
while it doesn't always make sense to the players
makes a heck of a lot more sense when you got a 'P' instead of a 'V'..

PS.. for a full hook-up see IVIE..
March Special only $19.00 ;)

Thursday, February 14, 2013


i want you, i need you, oh baby, oh baby

 today is once again that blasted competely arbitrary 24 hr period where people treat their significant other the way they should treat them the other 364 days of the year
(it's not like being treated well for ONE day should make up for all the other days in the year that you were treated like dog dump..slate=not clean)

now i'm not just anti-today because i don't have someone special to shower me with gifts & kiss my ass/the very ground i walk on..
no thats not it
so lets be clear that i have never understood the need to have 'today'
& most gifts fall flat in my book..

candy-seems like a bust,you just eat it & feel quilty later when your slaving away at the gym
flowers??- here let me give you a dying plant.. that was viciously assaulted so you can put it in water only to watch it slowly die (much like my feelings for you will most likely do one day)
stuffed animals-geez thanks, my dog is going to love this when i let him anhialate this & leave the fluffy guts strewn from hell to breakfast

but alas what do i know..
it still comes every year without fail
& it seems as if there is no stopping it
(if i could be the grinch of valentines day i'd do it.. i'd do it in a heartbeat.. a hummingbird heartbeat.. & those are fast)

however this year on VDay (gag)
i. wasn't. alone..
mostly due in part to the  fact i pack around a tiny human being all. the. time
so i'm NEVER alone
i mean i looked alone
fat and alone
but sometimes looking like you belong on an episode of Maury happens

in spite of today being what it was i had a pretty good one
i have my coley here :)
which means i also have muh chunkmunk on hand :) :) :)
sushi for dinner
nerds for dessert
& a footrub was my perfect nightcap

essentially i'm greatful i made it through today mostly unscathed

ps.. i know a lot of people were complaining about it being
'single-awareness day'
& to all of you i say
you have many, many other days to be aware that you are
everyday can be your 'single-awareness day' if you let it be
..your welcome..

ps.. i realize this blogpost was 'BRIEF'
 (see what i did there??)
but it kinda just felt like a short-story/written-the-day-it-was-due sorta day

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Well that was extremely MOVIE-ing..

Speaking of CINEMAtters..

Everyone has that one family member
You know what i'm talking about
the one that you love to hate to watch any sort of movie with..
well in my case EVERYONE of my kin falls into that catagory
in some way or another

and admittedly it might (but probably not) be partly due to me
after-all i have a hard time
playing peanut gallery

To begin my little analysis i'm gonna start with my familys head honcho

That's more like it..
Okay so this lovely lady is Moo Moo
lover of all things Pixar
she is not THAT bad to watch movies with..
as in
 while they are still going
 immediately after they end can be a different story
the movie was set in the south, deep south, anywhere near the southern states,  any character had even a HINT of a southern accent, or if fried chicken and/or collard greens was any part of the movie..
let's be clear..
 my mother is from NORTHERN Idaho
(which ps. is different from Idaho as a whole.. it should really be it's own state) 
she was raised no where near the southern east coast
so we're really not sure why she likes to go through the following 2 weeks seemingly possessed by Della Maes backwoods inbred cousin Cleetus..
we're not even sure if her accent is Southern or Retard..
all we know is it's kinda like a Miley Cyrus movie
as soon as it STARTS we want it to STOP..

'Dad' you not asked a million questions you'd have never figured it out..
oh wait you still don't get it..
or as we sometimes call him
Curious George
unless he started the movie with you & pays close attention
his questions will be endless & he still will usually not 'get it' by the end of the movie..
however he doesn't just leave it at the credits
he'll take it with him & ponder it for a few days, trying to make sense of it
 and then days later he'll bring it up & spell out the already spelled out movie..
at least he's persistant!! he always figures it out
he actually likes LOUIS LAMOURE movies..
as in the books weren't enough for him to realize
'holy heck i've read this same story 50 times over'
he has to WATCH that same song and dance too..
(be honest people.. reading more than one of his books is like
wiping before you poop
it don't make sense..)

Coley coley trolly bumholey
where do i start with this poser
(sidenote: she wants to be me.. she doesn't even know it.. but i'm like her hero)
actually she is probably my most favorite person to watch stuff with
she is an excellent addition to my peanut gallery
her only flaw is she doesn't like watching traggic love stories
which doesn't fly
cause they are like my favey
(i'm a sadist)
also.. she is superb at movie quotes..
especially of the Disney Genre
(yes i'm giving them their own genre)
& she can remember the names of even the smallest insignificant characters
(yes sometimes i wonder if she is slightly autistic & thats her tell..that & phone numbers) 

yup.. this nutsucks included in this blog too.. seeing as he's part of our gene pool now.. can't keep him out.. can't hold him down
Phillbilly's achilles heel is he likes any movie..
okay that's a bit of a broad overstatement
Phil likes any movie that any NORMAL self-respecting human wouldn't..
as long as there are fast cars, big explosions, bad accents, impossible fight sequences, & next to no plot
he is one happy camper..
oh and he loves the movie
p.s i love you
(which triggers my involuntary gag reflex)

the piece de resistance
the biggest reason for this seemingly reasonless blog
okay so brooke has selective goldfish syndrome..
she can watch a movie
 than 100 times.. 
yet anytime she watches said movie it's as if it's a new experience for her ENTIRELY..
this is best exemplified when she watched horror films..
the whole time she'll be like
(remember she's already seen this movie multiple times)
or i always love it when she cheers on the characters
when NO..
 they can't make it..
 they won't make it this time just as they haven't made it the last 10 times..
she really has a reoccuring problem with giving the characters false hope..
..dream killer..

'Ben' is this getting over?
Ben, while also being very adept at movie quote battles, is very poor at being the butt of most of our cinema related jokes..
which is ridiculous cause we are obvi hilarious..
but trust that this is no fault of ours
he needs to learn to suck it up
and take multiple hits for the team..
it's kind of hard to really put a finger on what makes it hard to watch movies with Ben..
mostly cause he watches few movies with us
us=his family
he mostly avoids us like we are the plague
(the plague of awesomeness)

roly poly OLY!
Lyv likes to fight me on watching movies she's never even heard of..
she usually moans and groans & throws in multiple
'this movie looks gay', 'amy i don't want to watch this, & "i already hate it'
before the previews even have a chance to be viewed..
she normally ends up liking the movies
(not all of them but most)
she can be extremely loud and mobile during slasher flicks..
for loooooooooong periods of time..
it get's to the point where you're like
'she's definetly used up her entire oxygen supply so how is she still making noise?'
even the characters in the movie are like
'chill small blond girl!'
she's made a habit of asking me key plot questions that could potentially spoil the ending
over and over until i answer her..
 she gets upset at me for telling her..
making me the bad movie buddy
(i just give people what they want)

Monday, February 4, 2013

Spank the Plank

unorthodox FAM rocks..

so tonight we're all sitting around being related & such..
well i guess not phil..
he was here by default
(when i say default i mean he married my sister)
so, you see, no blood relation

(we keep him around mainly for reproductive purposes via my sister.. they've done really well so far & we'd like more like Gabe.. eventually)

i realize it WAS a monday night
so according to Mormon culture
monday night=FHE
we didn't label it or make it formal
(but i'm gonna say it was an unofficial FHE..)

so we're all watching 'the biggest loser'
(lots of fatties breathing hard & shaking lard)
they're exercising.. being sweaty.. looking miserable
& in the midst of this perspiration & sadness comes
so i look at Ben & ask if he is even capable of doing the plank..
not really waiting for a response
i then may or may not (or may) have trash talked him
saying that i could 'out-plank' him
he then told me i can't even do the plank
(referencing my convex midsection as the reason for my inability to perform)
i of course scoff at him & immediately show him i CAN infact plank
(2 points for the preggers team)
so then we decide that we are going to have a little healthy competition..
so Phil, Coley, Ben, Lyv, & Myself all position ourselves around the living room
and the well-being promoting battle commenced

so we're battling the bulge
people on TV are battling the bulge (a much bigger bulge but a bulge nonetheless)
the bulge doesn't stand a chance..
admittedly our refs (mom, dad, gabe)
had to tell some of us to 'put our butts down' so that we were in
but all in all everything is going well
but eventually Coley falls
(she just had a baby 3 months ago.. & it was a rough pregnancy)
shortly thereafter Ben goes down
(he did NOT have a baby 3 months ago & will never have a pregnancy)

Phil then wants to make it interesting and says
so the remaining three
(Lyv, myself, & Phil)
one arm it..
i then see Lyv cheating by means of using her other arm to help prop herself up..
so i take my free arm & push her cheating apendage away..
causing her to fall over
Lyv is now OUT!

so now it's just me & Phil
aka: the final countdown
aka: the babies conceived in the 80's, born in the 90's
aka: shit just got real
and neither one of us is backing down..
we stay propped up all Side saddle like for a while longer
i say 'nuts to this' & shift back to the
good old-fashioned

so then we're still there fighting the good fight
(ps realize it has turned into a pretty lengthy competition at this point)
at this point I'm starting to feel really warm, my belly is really flexed..
Phil's camo shorts are FAR up his crack & his butt cheeks are clenched
(my mom is asking me to please not go into labor over this)
but now is not the time to worry about a birthing!
now is DO or DIE & neither of us want to lose..
 eventually one of us has to falter..
where there is a winner there must also be a loser..
so Phil went down and i WON!
amy rules & phil drools

you're right it didn't happen that way..
actually i finally dropped down & subsequently made Phil victorious
(ps as it turns out i didn't have to go down that far seeing as my belly cleared the floor by AN INCH)
but i put up a good amount of effort..
he can feel good about his 1st place finish knowing he had to work for it..

and NO.. i didn't balance on my belly to secure my 2nd place finish
(i wasn't going to be a bad mother & use my baby to cheat my way to the top
..almost top..)
i got there all by my-36 weeks pregnant-self!
doing what i do
reppin all the baby mama's

so there you have it
my LENGTHY retelling of seemingly mundane family activities

peace & blessings y'all:)

ps.. in case any were wondering i listened to my moo moo & didn't send myself into labor!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013



like any other normal female i'd like to think that i have a pair of average feet
10 toes
borderline ticklish
loves slippers, flippy floppys, and fresh mowed grass
tend to reak like old cheese if they get shoved into tennis shoes sans socks..
oh and BUGLY..
(cause lets be honest feet are kinda like pugs..

cute in a mostly ugly way)
so you know..
my feet NEVER seem to callous..
my heels are just scars from blisters that
come, pop, rejuice, pop, dissappear, then come again..
it's a vicious never ending cycle
so now that i've given you that lovely little inside into my orthopedic history
(you're welcome ps)
i MUST however commend them for having a higher than norm pain tolerance..
a HUGE bonus
considering i would be substancially heftier
if i couldn't
chronically abuse them..

seriously though, if i waited for every blister to heal before jumping back on the horse
or in this case treadmill
i'd work out about once a week..
and thats lame sauce..
however sometimes it has drawbacks..
such as..
i don't know when to stop..
i always just push them until my goal is accomplished..
an example of this happening a few weeks ago..
i rode to IF with my mom, for appointments,
 the Wednesday evening prior to that fateful Thursday
and when Moo had to fly out early the next morning for work
she just drove herself in the van to the airport and parked it
intending for me to get a ride from my Aunt Dene later in the day
so that i may have a mode of transportation
however when it came time for Van Retrieval
i decided that i might as well just walk from my Aunt's house..
cause it was only like 2 miles..

it was a FEW MORE THAN A FEW..

so there was my FIRST brain fart..
when i went to put on my shoes designated for this type of activity
 i remembered my tennis shoes were in said van
naturally in their ergonomically correct place
i put on my leather 'wannabe-biker' books
(i try to make pregnancy look more Bad A than it is..)
there lies my SECOND brain fart..
and it looked fairly mild outside so i went with minimum winter wear for my trek
enter THIRD brain fart
the one day that Idaho decided it wanted to man up
and have a day kinda like a Wyoming winter..
lets just state for the record by the time i reached my destination
i couldn't feel most of my body..
(they look cozy compaired to how i felt)
so basically a lot of brain fartage went on in a short amount of time..
so i set off on my adventure
sweats tucked into knee high biker boots, a lime green puffy coat that makes me look even more rotund than i currently am, fluffy patterened earmuffs, and
(cause i couldn't find it's significant other)
(yes i did in fact look as homo-rific as all the people in the picture above)

it's such a mystery why no one pulled over to offer a ride..
so i'm walking.. walking and losing feeling..but making progress
and all goes well for the first mile.. mile & 1/2..
and then my right foot starts to hurt..
we're almost there..
but no.. no we are not almost there
and soon my left foot starts to feel some discomfort as well
and the right foots suffering only increases..
i then get to the point in my journey where i
remember a short cut..
so i am faced with a decision..
continue on the path i know FOR SURE
take a GAMBLE and arrive at destination sooner
my feet are crying a little bit..
i'm already startin to do the geezer lean at this point
so i decide to take the path less traveled..
not my best idea
(not my worst either)
i. get. lost.
i end up having to back track a couple times
all the while the suffering in my boots is
i am finally able to locate a way out of hellish suburban labrynth

and back out onto the main road i would have taken anyways
had i stayed true to the course..
palm. face.
so i'm ALMOST back on track
my dogs are barking so loud
 i. want. to. cry
not sure if i was able to hold back my tears
if it was too cold for them to leave my eyes & they just froze before they could make an exit
but all the sudden i feel something go
in my right boot..
i kinda pause
and for a moment
i. am. relieved.
cause in my head whatever was hurting is now gone and all will be well
all was NOT well..
and the pain is now worst..
but i have no other option but to push onward..
(if HUNT & EDWARDS stopped would they have beaten LEWIS & CLARK to the Pacific Ocean?? i submit they would NOT!!)
(white water in the morning.. and.. thats it!)
so i'm now hobbling along at sloth pace..
i'm actually more like doing a weird IGOR drag my right foot shuffle thing..
and i still have a mile to go..
but i close the distance slowly but surely..
i finally make it to the employee parking lot..
when i arrive my heart involuntarily sinks a bit..
because MOO always parks nearest the exit..
except for today.. when she parked as far from it as she possibly could have..
which added only 100 ft to my trek..
but when something on your foot has
100 ft is a big dang deal..
Man Van has never been so lovely to me than at the moment when i turned the key in her ignition and cranked that heater
( i mean trips to state wrestling, and hog-tying Olyvia with braided walmart sacks & gagging her with a bikini top on a family vaca are close seconds but nothing compares to being able to simply sit down after seemingly walking 1000 miles)
when my fingers regained some dexterity i was finally able to remove my boots and discover
not so surprisingly
2 bloody socks..
do i care though at this moment??
once again i am just happy to be on my rear end..
i change outta those knee high leather torture devices
and i am back in action
.. well with a slight limp..
later that night i take a bath & finally remove my bloody socks
(yes i wore them the rest of my day color me gross)
and upon closer inspection i find 5 blisters, 1 cut, and
sick nasty poo poo..
i was okay with all of it until i found out about my little fallen soldier..
and then i was mostly just sicked out..
don't think i did all that for nothing
a. i had a car.
b. when i had about .3 miles left i looked down on the sidewalk and what did i see
a crumpled germy dolla dolla bill y'all
making my missing toenail not all for naught!!
moral of my journey:
don't wear leather biking boots in subarctic tempuratures to make a 5 mile journey..
cause while you think your tootsies are about as ugly as they could possibly get right now
as is
 let me tell you
and something so small & seemingly insignificant as
ONE toenail M.I.A
 makes a
difference in their overal appearence!

be good to your dogs:)
here are a few things that are ALL better looking than feet!

Monday, December 17, 2012


DO as i SAY.. NOT as i've DONE!
This is a blog post for the ladies.
Ladies some of you out there are with boys that do not treat you well.
For some of you this might be a recent development.
For others this may be a reoccuring trend.
To both of those situations i say
When i say this i am not implying it will never work out. It very well might.
But if it does in fact work out, will you be happy if things stay the same way they are right now.
In THIS moment?
If not then distance yourself. Until that person in question learns to treat you the way you deserve to be treated & gains respect for you.
 I KNOW how hard this is.
But as hard as it is you need to find a way to
That may sound impossible but trust me when i say it is necessary.
Cause one day he may not be there, & you will want to fall apart.
You will need to be strong if this happens & have some love for yourself so you don't destroy yourself.
I am still learning how to do this.
But i work on it everyday. I guess it's easier for me to refrain from self loathing to too far of an extent at this point in time because i HAVE to take care of myself.
I CANNOT let myself fall apart & i CANNOT give up
because i'm responsible for another human being besides myself
Some of you
won't have this same excuse to keep it together.
But really
You CANNOT change him. You CANNOT make him treat you right. You CANNOT make him care.
And this has NOTHING to do with you.
It has EVERYTHING to do with him.
And the choices he makes.
Yes, he CHOOSES to do this too.
He will tell you, you deserve better than what he gives you. That he needs to do better.
BUT words without actions are worth about 2 big brown shits.
There is nothing you CAN or SHOULD have to change about yourself to fix things.
If you ever want things to get better though you need to be the one to change.
Cause chances are if he's the one reaping all the benefits
'GETTING his cake and EATING it too'
he is not going to do a DAMN thing to upset the current state of things
Why should he?
He still gets to be 'one of the boys', have all the freedom he could desire, stay in a constant state of carefree, and STILL have you on the side when ever he wants.
He probably tells you he does, and he has probably convinced himself that he might.
BUT trust me when i say this is for his sake.
You do not destroy people you care about.
You DESERVE better.
You DESERVE someone who is willing to put in AS MUCH IF NOT MORE than you are.
You DESERVE having every day be YOUR NEW FAVORITE DAY!
So please girls. DO NOT SETTLE.
I'm not saying he's not the one. I sincerly hope that he is your one and only.
However do NOT let him treat you like you are ANYTHING less than amazing.
One and only's are meant to go both ways.
Im 22 years old. Single. And pregnant.
Pretty pregnant
Over 7 months pregnant.
And my pregnancy is rapidly approaching its end.
In some ways this is a relieving thought.
But to be honest it's a more terrifying than anything.
I'm entering my third trimester & i still have
what i'm going to do..
This is nothing like what i expected my life to be like.
 After meeting the father of our now growing child..
This is DEFINETLY not what i expected my first pregnancy to be.
The single part.
I expected this invasion of my body to be pretty awful
(and it has NOT disappointed)
Especially since the father of my child was with me for 1&1/2 years
No one would have ever guess that though the way he treated me.
People STILL wouldn't believe it if i didn't have evidence sitting heavily on my midsection
Technically we dated for 6 months.
And then i was more or less (or MORE) his
For 12 more months
And I ALLOWED it to happen..
Was i wrong to allow it to happen?
And from more than even a religious standpoint.
From the point of being a human being it was wrong to allow that sort of abuse.
Most people look at the word 'abuse' and they think only of the physical form.
Lets be clear that is NOT the kind I speak of.
I allowed him to convince me time and time again he DID care about me.
He WOULD do better.
He WOULD treat me better.
That never happened. And I never pushed for it.
Not REALLY pushed for it anyways.
I was willing to put up with all his excuses if it meant i got to keep him.
I'd let everything slide.
I allowed him to treat me like a second class citizen.
And when we'd screw up morally I'd allow him to treat me like it was my fault.
When his christian guilt would kick in & he'd push me away like i was the reason for all of our sins.
I TOOK it.
And i let him tell me he was
'Sorry for messing up.. again.'
Little did i realize you can make a mistake
after that it's a
Guess what it didn't get better.
And eventually it caught up with us.
Well with ME at first
Honestly I'm still not sure how much of it will really affect him
Some might say we had a good run
(as sick an sadistic as that sounds??)
Our sins didn't catch up with us for a long time
Alas I still ended up pregnant.
Ever so convex and alone..
The biggest problem that led to all this?
I know
What a pathetic sob story.. brought this upon herself..Who cares(no one probably)
 Blah blah blah
But really ladies
Heed my words

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