Monday, December 17, 2012


DO as i SAY.. NOT as i've DONE!
This is a blog post for the ladies.
Ladies some of you out there are with boys that do not treat you well.
For some of you this might be a recent development.
For others this may be a reoccuring trend.
To both of those situations i say
When i say this i am not implying it will never work out. It very well might.
But if it does in fact work out, will you be happy if things stay the same way they are right now.
In THIS moment?
If not then distance yourself. Until that person in question learns to treat you the way you deserve to be treated & gains respect for you.
 I KNOW how hard this is.
But as hard as it is you need to find a way to
That may sound impossible but trust me when i say it is necessary.
Cause one day he may not be there, & you will want to fall apart.
You will need to be strong if this happens & have some love for yourself so you don't destroy yourself.
I am still learning how to do this.
But i work on it everyday. I guess it's easier for me to refrain from self loathing to too far of an extent at this point in time because i HAVE to take care of myself.
I CANNOT let myself fall apart & i CANNOT give up
because i'm responsible for another human being besides myself
Some of you
won't have this same excuse to keep it together.
But really
You CANNOT change him. You CANNOT make him treat you right. You CANNOT make him care.
And this has NOTHING to do with you.
It has EVERYTHING to do with him.
And the choices he makes.
Yes, he CHOOSES to do this too.
He will tell you, you deserve better than what he gives you. That he needs to do better.
BUT words without actions are worth about 2 big brown shits.
There is nothing you CAN or SHOULD have to change about yourself to fix things.
If you ever want things to get better though you need to be the one to change.
Cause chances are if he's the one reaping all the benefits
'GETTING his cake and EATING it too'
he is not going to do a DAMN thing to upset the current state of things
Why should he?
He still gets to be 'one of the boys', have all the freedom he could desire, stay in a constant state of carefree, and STILL have you on the side when ever he wants.
He probably tells you he does, and he has probably convinced himself that he might.
BUT trust me when i say this is for his sake.
You do not destroy people you care about.
You DESERVE better.
You DESERVE someone who is willing to put in AS MUCH IF NOT MORE than you are.
You DESERVE having every day be YOUR NEW FAVORITE DAY!
So please girls. DO NOT SETTLE.
I'm not saying he's not the one. I sincerly hope that he is your one and only.
However do NOT let him treat you like you are ANYTHING less than amazing.
One and only's are meant to go both ways.
Im 22 years old. Single. And pregnant.
Pretty pregnant
Over 7 months pregnant.
And my pregnancy is rapidly approaching its end.
In some ways this is a relieving thought.
But to be honest it's a more terrifying than anything.
I'm entering my third trimester & i still have
what i'm going to do..
This is nothing like what i expected my life to be like.
 After meeting the father of our now growing child..
This is DEFINETLY not what i expected my first pregnancy to be.
The single part.
I expected this invasion of my body to be pretty awful
(and it has NOT disappointed)
Especially since the father of my child was with me for 1&1/2 years
No one would have ever guess that though the way he treated me.
People STILL wouldn't believe it if i didn't have evidence sitting heavily on my midsection
Technically we dated for 6 months.
And then i was more or less (or MORE) his
For 12 more months
And I ALLOWED it to happen..
Was i wrong to allow it to happen?
And from more than even a religious standpoint.
From the point of being a human being it was wrong to allow that sort of abuse.
Most people look at the word 'abuse' and they think only of the physical form.
Lets be clear that is NOT the kind I speak of.
I allowed him to convince me time and time again he DID care about me.
He WOULD do better.
He WOULD treat me better.
That never happened. And I never pushed for it.
Not REALLY pushed for it anyways.
I was willing to put up with all his excuses if it meant i got to keep him.
I'd let everything slide.
I allowed him to treat me like a second class citizen.
And when we'd screw up morally I'd allow him to treat me like it was my fault.
When his christian guilt would kick in & he'd push me away like i was the reason for all of our sins.
I TOOK it.
And i let him tell me he was
'Sorry for messing up.. again.'
Little did i realize you can make a mistake
after that it's a
Guess what it didn't get better.
And eventually it caught up with us.
Well with ME at first
Honestly I'm still not sure how much of it will really affect him
Some might say we had a good run
(as sick an sadistic as that sounds??)
Our sins didn't catch up with us for a long time
Alas I still ended up pregnant.
Ever so convex and alone..
The biggest problem that led to all this?
I know
What a pathetic sob story.. brought this upon herself..Who cares(no one probably)
 Blah blah blah
But really ladies
Heed my words

Saturday, December 8, 2012

It won't happen to me.. Until it did..

What to expect.. 
Not exactly what you were expecting..
People have been procreating since the dawn of time
Pregnancy is NOT a new happening..
 however up until recently I always viewed it a LOT differently than it actually is.. 
more magical? more glamorous? more glowy? less fat?
now most reading this are now wondering
'How could Amy possibly know all this?'

 that's right!
I am now a bona fide member of the 'Holy Vessel Hoes'
there isn't actually a club
if there was, we'd have jackets
Now that I have embarked on this journey known as
(where there is only one, yes ONE!!, way out)
Now that my secret is not so secret I would like to clear up some common
over the 
that is known as childbearing..
I mean sure
the outcome is wonderful
as long as it's a cute baby, and yes folks, let's be frank
Ugly babies exist!
And they could happen to you
the road to that screaming poopy bundle of baby
and it is a looooong hard one not meant for the faint of heart
which is probably why it is a job specifically for womenfolk..

1. Bleeding gums of the worlds unite!
I brush AND floss
I don't pride myself on many aspects of my hygiene..
oral hygiene I take Schneriously!
thanks to my wacky hormones anytime I brush my teeth
I look like I just crawled out of an MMA ring
my teeth are so bloody it looks as though I might have just gargled with type O..
Now my toothbrush sesh's feel like a Twilight book..
not quite so bad that they feel like a Twilight movie though..

2. I'm not fat I'm pregnant!
Okay okay so I'm a little fat.. But I'm also with child
I am an admittedly overly healthy eater.. I can take it to scary strict levels
While I've been preggers though I have been more lax
Not that I binge on Cheetos and ice cream 24/7
I have not gone Jessica Simpson with this..
"Uh...i can hear you getting fatter"
YET I have still managed to gain a whopping
TWENTY pounds
At 7 months I'm not sure if this is good or bad
But at 150 lbs.. I feel like a whale..
A fat whale..
With a badonkadonk that would make Nicki Minaj super jelly!
what can i say i was predispositioned to be a ghetto booty poster child.. thanks mom
3. Bladder capacity?? What bladder capacity??
I am on the can
it got better during the 2nd trimester
but at the beginning i should have just moved  my bed into the bathroom..
8 bathroom runs a were a nightly occurance
now that i'm entering the 3rd we'll see how the ole pee bag does..
4. But i am le' tired.
Never in my whole life have i needed
many naps.. not even when i was little and naps were socially acceptable!
growing another little person is
and if i don't get 10 hours of good quality shut eye
 i am as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop..

i know, i know, it's cliche for a preggers lady to complain about heartburn
but this shit is real..
i avoided it for 5 &1/2 months and then
my throat is being eated by hellish flames
my whole life i have always been cold..
i'm hot all the time
trying to sleep is the worst..
i would probably have better luck at not overheating if i slept naked
if i didn't have such an aversion to my naked body..
just know, when you're knocked up, you will constantly be wondering
who turned the thermostat setting to
6. Achey Breaky BACK
Have you ever had someone kick you repeatedly in the tailbone??
pregnancy has more or more the same effect..
(good news i figured out what's causing this agonized back pain.. i'm growing another human being.. i guess that'll put a LITTLE extra strain on your body)
7. Smells like Teen Spirit.. only worse..
i have never had a keen sense of smell..
bloodhound i am not
i was the child growing up that when everyone if the class was like
i had to pretend like i smelled it too cause really my nasal cavity wasn't offended
i just didn't want them to think it was me..
thanks to my condition i have acquired a slightly better sniffer..
but it doesn't apply to all areas..
i still can't smell good smells but oh my heck bad smells have been amplified to unGodly levels..
8. Heavy breathing.. NOT just for perverts..
while we're on the subject of noses i must address
my nose is always plugged up.. booger production has been kicked into high gear..
so now
thanks to that cute symptom..
 My name is Amy, and i'm a creepy mouth breather
9. I can count to POTATO!
pregnancy brain is real folks..
and it affects countless women everyday
at this point i could probably plan a surprise party for myself...
"John's Herbie Hancock"
10. The world is a fuzzy place
my vision has gotten
worse as my pregnancy has progressed..
night driving?? forget about it..
i mean i still do it
but OBVIOUSLY i haven't always made the smartest decisions (i.e. my baby bump)
11 ..its called reading, top to bottom, left to right, group words together as a sentence, take tylenol for any headaches, midol for any cramps ...
i have suffered chronic headaches my whole pregnancy
only had full blown migraines a few times..
but on most days it feels like elephants are tap dancing with soccer cleats on my brain..
so there it is
a glimpse into a world that i've now discovered to be
thanks to good decision making at it's finest
you're welcome PETA
seriously don't touch me... and don't touch my belly..
it's not like you can rub it for good luck..
Here is  preg-related media i enjoyed..
..and there goes my childhood...

something doesn't add up..

not everyone was meant for motherhood.. obvi

that's amazazing

this perfectly embodies what every pregnant woman feels like 25/8

pregnancy at it's classiest

preggers plank

good thing she remembered her scarf set.. otherwise she would have look completely ridiculous standing out in the snow..

color me judgemental but.. what kind of a name is 'Junge'?

Thursday, October 18, 2012

if i wanted to hear what an asshole had to say i would have farted

..If I Wanted to Hear What An Asshole
Had to Say I Would Have Farted..

So for those of you who don't know I have been in Florida for the past 2&1/2 weeks..
thought i'd come down & get in touch with my 'brown roots'
wow sometimes i sound really racist
i'm not
i just have a scewed sense of thinking..
actually i'm really here to take care of my youngest sister Lyvie..



That was a random hobo i found in Couer D'Alene..
..apparently when it comes to bums..
..Northern Idaho plays to win..

Back to my original train of thought
You're probably wondering what the title of this post has to do with this actual post
the answer
..nothing.. so far..
i'm about to change that right now
Many of you are aware that it is an election year
The only way you could NOT be aware is if you are
a.dead or b.honey boo boo
While i've been aware that Florida is a swing state
(They only highlight it as need-to-win EVERY. STINKING. ELECTION)
I had NO idea how many political ads
this penninsula errrrrrr 4 years..
basically i everywhere i turn i hear/read/SMELL political advertisments
my ears are BLEEDING OUT over the whole ordeal
I am an informed voter
I follow the convention, the debates, the statistics
past that
 i DO NOT want to hear the he said, he did, he DIDN'T
(ps.. he really didn't.. do anything right..)
so i decided because i hate all the commercials feeding me lies & massive steaming piles of excrement
i was going to make a post
on some of my favorite commercials
& because they are MY faveys they are awesome!

Monday, September 17, 2012

HAIR today..GONE tomorrow..

Hair Today.. Gone Tomorrow..

We DeCoria's have acquired a
of cats over the years..
Our most recent addition is Miss Kitty, aka. M.K, aka Frank..
joke we don't ever call her Frank..
anyways she is Ms. Long Hair Don't Care
coolest cat ever!
even the biggest cat haters are put under her spell after being in her presence for mere minutes..
only down side to her is she gets dredlocks..
& she get's them RIGHT up in her business.. up next to her skin..
making it dang near impossible to cut out with scissors
so today we were feeling particularly bold
& decided that we were going to shave the dreds out of her pits..
so we got all of our tools ready:
Finely chopped hotdog
and away we went:)

so here we are at the beginning of it all.. we had actually just got done shaving 1 pit.. when Nicole decided she was going for


& decided that we should just shave her like a LION for Phil!

before we start to rob her of her crowning glory
ps.. MK is the chillest cat ever..
 as long as she got the occasional hotdog bit & had her head constantly rubbed she was good!
Giving me the evil eye as i start on her belly

 Miss Kitty just needed a little break before we finished the job
 Not completely done with her hack job but as far as we were gonna get today..
we thought she looked
she had to warm up to her new 'do'..
 considering i do HUMAN hair.. i am actually rather proud of this hack job
my  mona lisa if you will
her TAIL!
& so here is MK
now knowing what's life's like in the shoes of Miley Cyrus

compliments of:
coley:cat holder extrodinaire
mom: second string cat holder (due to allergies)
ames: semi professional cat groomer.. & amature tattoo artist

Sunday, September 16, 2012


They say go big or go home..
 (ps never understood that phrase.. even if you go big you will eventually go home..)
..anyways i didn't feel like going home at that exact moment in time so i decided to go to
Ps.. realize this is a BIG damn deal..
cause to travel cross-country it generally involves a plane ride.. 
which generally means leaving the safety of mother earth..
in this case it did..
weekend.. so i being ever the good big sister i am make the journey to b-e-a-utiful
Sarasota Florida 
also known as the best locale that, that great peninsula of a state has to offer..
the sand feels like a mixture of 
& the water in the gulf???
feels like BATHWATER... or like a peespot in a public swimming pool..
anyways point being
I had a  fabulous time!!
Uncle Chuck & Aunt Sara are
even if their cats are anti-social..(someday we'll be BFF's.. it's inevitable)
While i consider myself a
able to paint pictures using mere phrases
I decided it'd be more fun to just show actual pictures to chronicle our JOURNEY!!


   It all started with Mom, Burke, Coley & Gabe
(still in utero)
attending the Brigham City Temple Open House..
(me, Lyvie, Aunt Sara, Uncle Chuck, Sophie (cat), & Bandit (cat)
are already in Florida at this moment)

on Saturday we decided to go to the beach..
ps. Sarasota has the NUMBER ONE BEACHES IN AMERICA!!
true story folks..
anyways walking through the beach club to get down to the beach a cement volleyball stand pops out of
& i kick it
with stank mind you & i completely rape my toe..
i'm talking blood, gore, the whole 9 yards..
& if that didn't bust it the fact Olyvia kneeled on it directly prior to this picture being taken
ensured the fate of my poor little broken piggy..

Here is Aunt Sara, Lyvie, & Brooke prior to wave jumping!

Burke & Coley playing in the waves..

Coley & Burkey walking into the water.. Bomo looks like a giant..

 Aunt Sara, Lyvie, & I sunbathing on the beach..

 Me & mom made Lyvie into a masterpiss sand sculpture..
 Night swims are fun!! Sexual assault is bad..

 Olyvia's birthday breakfast..
it was in bed but we coaxed her out..
it consisted of:
oreo ice cream cake, funions, skittles, & strawberry milk in a champagne glass
 For Oly's actual birthday we went to the Tampa Zoo!
here we are in front of the manatee statue..
coley ordered me to hide her belly.. i think i did pretty well
 Brooke getting a little close for comfort to nasty vulture/dodo bird thing..
Coley looks concerned..
 Lyv feeds the birds nectar!
 Brookes turn.. they really liked her!
 And here go MahooMoo

 Moo even had to make sure she showed the Rooster love

 Burkey really makes the Giraffe work hard for that lettuce..
 Coley is getting braver..
 I lied!

 Our theory with this animal is that God just threw a bunch of spare parts in a bag.. shook it up.. & this is what happened..
 Coley showcasing the goods..
 Brooke doesn't believe in personal bubbles..
also she wants to rear Cole's child..
 This is a REAL sign in Florida!!
it says you shouldn't MOLEST the alligators..
see it says it right there..

 Feeding the Sting-Rays..
i did not participate.. partly because i'm camera girl.. mostly outta respect for Steve Irwin

 This basty tried to jump out &
me.. truth..
 Coley had to wait to feed the smallest stingray in the pool.. she's pretty picky

  a DISGUSTING monkey in a shirt..
doesn't matter if you dress it up..
if you put a cute shirt on a muffin top it doesn't make it a cupcake
here is the story..
 we're walking around the exhibits.. this is the last one we went to..
& there is this seemingly homeless cat walking around..
naturally my 'save all cats' instincts kick in & my sole mission is to save this animal before a gator gets it

 so i grab the feline & all seems to be going well
..rescue mission seemingly successful..
when all the sudden the ingrate starts to use me as a
he uses all sorts of acrobatic & escape methods to evade my firm grasp..
unfortunately for puddy tat
this WASN'T my first rodeo..
so i manage to roll with the punches
& hold onto him for a solid couple minutes
& then we look up & zoo staff is looking at me with queer expressions
so i then inform them i found this poor helpless soul & it needed rescue
I was then informed that the cat's name is Apollo & he wasn't in any danger..
NOR was he homeless..
he was in fact the zoo's cat..
so fellow crazy cat ladies
i almost unintentionally almost stole/(mostly halfway saved) a zoo cat..
 top that..

 Loopy & Aunt Sara & her gourmet cake!!
chocolate fudge & coconut creme
with BUTTERCREAM frosting!!
 Aunt Sara & Uncle Chuck bought Lyvie the new sequined
UGG boots
for her birthday..loved?? ya just a wee bit!
by brushing the sequins UP or DOWN you can make them
brooke was amused :)

 Oly decked out in her birthday gear..
i love that dress.. super cute..
 The Blonde Squad

 on the way back
we HAD to stop by Ivie's
to say hi!
& he had just adopted this cute little gem!
she is the

Daddy Daughter Moment!

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