Saturday, December 8, 2012

It won't happen to me.. Until it did..

What to expect.. 
Not exactly what you were expecting..
People have been procreating since the dawn of time
Pregnancy is NOT a new happening..
 however up until recently I always viewed it a LOT differently than it actually is.. 
more magical? more glamorous? more glowy? less fat?
now most reading this are now wondering
'How could Amy possibly know all this?'

 that's right!
I am now a bona fide member of the 'Holy Vessel Hoes'
there isn't actually a club
if there was, we'd have jackets
Now that I have embarked on this journey known as
(where there is only one, yes ONE!!, way out)
Now that my secret is not so secret I would like to clear up some common
over the 
that is known as childbearing..
I mean sure
the outcome is wonderful
as long as it's a cute baby, and yes folks, let's be frank
Ugly babies exist!
And they could happen to you
the road to that screaming poopy bundle of baby
and it is a looooong hard one not meant for the faint of heart
which is probably why it is a job specifically for womenfolk..

1. Bleeding gums of the worlds unite!
I brush AND floss
I don't pride myself on many aspects of my hygiene..
oral hygiene I take Schneriously!
thanks to my wacky hormones anytime I brush my teeth
I look like I just crawled out of an MMA ring
my teeth are so bloody it looks as though I might have just gargled with type O..
Now my toothbrush sesh's feel like a Twilight book..
not quite so bad that they feel like a Twilight movie though..

2. I'm not fat I'm pregnant!
Okay okay so I'm a little fat.. But I'm also with child
I am an admittedly overly healthy eater.. I can take it to scary strict levels
While I've been preggers though I have been more lax
Not that I binge on Cheetos and ice cream 24/7
I have not gone Jessica Simpson with this..
"Uh...i can hear you getting fatter"
YET I have still managed to gain a whopping
TWENTY pounds
At 7 months I'm not sure if this is good or bad
But at 150 lbs.. I feel like a whale..
A fat whale..
With a badonkadonk that would make Nicki Minaj super jelly!
what can i say i was predispositioned to be a ghetto booty poster child.. thanks mom
3. Bladder capacity?? What bladder capacity??
I am on the can
it got better during the 2nd trimester
but at the beginning i should have just moved  my bed into the bathroom..
8 bathroom runs a were a nightly occurance
now that i'm entering the 3rd we'll see how the ole pee bag does..
4. But i am le' tired.
Never in my whole life have i needed
many naps.. not even when i was little and naps were socially acceptable!
growing another little person is
and if i don't get 10 hours of good quality shut eye
 i am as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop..

i know, i know, it's cliche for a preggers lady to complain about heartburn
but this shit is real..
i avoided it for 5 &1/2 months and then
my throat is being eated by hellish flames
my whole life i have always been cold..
i'm hot all the time
trying to sleep is the worst..
i would probably have better luck at not overheating if i slept naked
if i didn't have such an aversion to my naked body..
just know, when you're knocked up, you will constantly be wondering
who turned the thermostat setting to
6. Achey Breaky BACK
Have you ever had someone kick you repeatedly in the tailbone??
pregnancy has more or more the same effect..
(good news i figured out what's causing this agonized back pain.. i'm growing another human being.. i guess that'll put a LITTLE extra strain on your body)
7. Smells like Teen Spirit.. only worse..
i have never had a keen sense of smell..
bloodhound i am not
i was the child growing up that when everyone if the class was like
i had to pretend like i smelled it too cause really my nasal cavity wasn't offended
i just didn't want them to think it was me..
thanks to my condition i have acquired a slightly better sniffer..
but it doesn't apply to all areas..
i still can't smell good smells but oh my heck bad smells have been amplified to unGodly levels..
8. Heavy breathing.. NOT just for perverts..
while we're on the subject of noses i must address
my nose is always plugged up.. booger production has been kicked into high gear..
so now
thanks to that cute symptom..
 My name is Amy, and i'm a creepy mouth breather
9. I can count to POTATO!
pregnancy brain is real folks..
and it affects countless women everyday
at this point i could probably plan a surprise party for myself...
"John's Herbie Hancock"
10. The world is a fuzzy place
my vision has gotten
worse as my pregnancy has progressed..
night driving?? forget about it..
i mean i still do it
but OBVIOUSLY i haven't always made the smartest decisions (i.e. my baby bump)
11 ..its called reading, top to bottom, left to right, group words together as a sentence, take tylenol for any headaches, midol for any cramps ...
i have suffered chronic headaches my whole pregnancy
only had full blown migraines a few times..
but on most days it feels like elephants are tap dancing with soccer cleats on my brain..
so there it is
a glimpse into a world that i've now discovered to be
thanks to good decision making at it's finest
you're welcome PETA
seriously don't touch me... and don't touch my belly..
it's not like you can rub it for good luck..
Here is  preg-related media i enjoyed..
..and there goes my childhood...

something doesn't add up..

not everyone was meant for motherhood.. obvi

that's amazazing

this perfectly embodies what every pregnant woman feels like 25/8

pregnancy at it's classiest

preggers plank

good thing she remembered her scarf set.. otherwise she would have look completely ridiculous standing out in the snow..

color me judgemental but.. what kind of a name is 'Junge'?


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