Tuesday, January 22, 2013

FEET ARE SWEET:)

DIRTY DOGS!


So..
like any other normal female i'd like to think that i have a pair of average feet
10 toes
borderline ticklish
loves slippers, flippy floppys, and fresh mowed grass
tend to reak like old cheese if they get shoved into tennis shoes sans socks..
oh and BUGLY..
(cause lets be honest feet are kinda like pugs..

cute in a mostly ugly way)
so you know..
NORMAL..
well MOSTLY
my feet NEVER seem to callous..
my heels are just scars from blisters that
come, pop, rejuice, pop, dissappear, then come again..
it's a vicious never ending cycle
so now that i've given you that lovely little inside into my orthopedic history
(you're welcome ps)
i MUST however commend them for having a higher than norm pain tolerance..
a HUGE bonus
considering i would be substancially heftier
if i couldn't
chronically abuse them..

seriously though, if i waited for every blister to heal before jumping back on the horse
or in this case treadmill
i'd work out about once a week..
and thats lame sauce..
however sometimes it has drawbacks..
such as..
i don't know when to stop..
i always just push them until my goal is accomplished..
an example of this happening a few weeks ago..
i rode to IF with my mom, for appointments,
 the Wednesday evening prior to that fateful Thursday
and when Moo had to fly out early the next morning for work
she just drove herself in the van to the airport and parked it
intending for me to get a ride from my Aunt Dene later in the day
so that i may have a mode of transportation
however when it came time for Van Retrieval
i decided that i might as well just walk from my Aunt's house..
cause it was only like 2 miles..

it was a FEW MORE THAN A FEW..

so there was my FIRST brain fart..
when i went to put on my shoes designated for this type of activity
 i remembered my tennis shoes were in said van
naturally in their ergonomically correct place
i put on my leather 'wannabe-biker' books
(i try to make pregnancy look more Bad A than it is..)
there lies my SECOND brain fart..
and it looked fairly mild outside so i went with minimum winter wear for my trek
enter THIRD brain fart
the one day that Idaho decided it wanted to man up
and have a day kinda like a Wyoming winter..
lets just state for the record by the time i reached my destination
i couldn't feel most of my body..
(they look cozy compaired to how i felt)
so basically a lot of brain fartage went on in a short amount of time..
so i set off on my adventure
looking
SUPER FLY
sweats tucked into knee high biker boots, a lime green puffy coat that makes me look even more rotund than i currently am, fluffy patterened earmuffs, and
ONE RED GLOVE..
(cause i couldn't find it's significant other)
(yes i did in fact look as homo-rific as all the people in the picture above)

it's such a mystery why no one pulled over to offer a ride..
...hmmm..
so i'm walking.. walking and losing feeling..but making progress
and all goes well for the first mile.. mile & 1/2..
and then my right foot starts to hurt..
NBD
we're almost there..
but no.. no we are not almost there
and soon my left foot starts to feel some discomfort as well
and the right foots suffering only increases..
i then get to the point in my journey where i
VAGUELY
remember a short cut..
so i am faced with a decision..
continue on the path i know FOR SURE
OR
take a GAMBLE and arrive at destination sooner
my feet are crying a little bit..
i'm already startin to do the geezer lean at this point
so i decide to take the path less traveled..
not my best idea
(not my worst either)
i. get. lost.
i end up having to back track a couple times
all the while the suffering in my boots is
INTENSIFYING SIGNIFICANTLY..
i am finally able to locate a way out of hellish suburban labrynth

and back out onto the main road i would have taken anyways
had i stayed true to the course..
palm. face.
so i'm ALMOST back on track
my dogs are barking so loud
 i. want. to. cry
not sure if i was able to hold back my tears
OR
if it was too cold for them to leave my eyes & they just froze before they could make an exit
??????
but all the sudden i feel something go
POP
in my right boot..
i kinda pause
and for a moment
i. am. relieved.
cause in my head whatever was hurting is now gone and all will be well
well..
all was NOT well..
and the pain is now worst..
but i have no other option but to push onward..
(if HUNT & EDWARDS stopped would they have beaten LEWIS & CLARK to the Pacific Ocean?? i submit they would NOT!!)
(white water in the morning.. and.. thats it!)
so i'm now hobbling along at sloth pace..
i'm actually more like doing a weird IGOR drag my right foot shuffle thing..
and i still have a mile to go..
but i close the distance slowly but surely..
i finally make it to the employee parking lot..
when i arrive my heart involuntarily sinks a bit..
because MOO always parks nearest the exit..
except for today.. when she parked as far from it as she possibly could have..
which added only 100 ft to my trek..
but when something on your foot has
POPPED
100 ft is a big dang deal..
Man Van has never been so lovely to me than at the moment when i turned the key in her ignition and cranked that heater
( i mean trips to state wrestling, and hog-tying Olyvia with braided walmart sacks & gagging her with a bikini top on a family vaca are close seconds but nothing compares to being able to simply sit down after seemingly walking 1000 miles)
when my fingers regained some dexterity i was finally able to remove my boots and discover
not so surprisingly
2 bloody socks..
do i care though at this moment??
NOT. AT. ALL
once again i am just happy to be on my rear end..
i change outta those knee high leather torture devices
and i am back in action
.. well with a slight limp..
later that night i take a bath & finally remove my bloody socks
(yes i wore them the rest of my day color me gross)
and upon closer inspection i find 5 blisters, 1 cut, and
ONE MISSING TOENAIL..
sick nasty poo poo..
i was okay with all of it until i found out about my little fallen soldier..
and then i was mostly just sicked out..
mostly..
BUT 
don't think i did all that for nothing
a. i had a car.
and
b. when i had about .3 miles left i looked down on the sidewalk and what did i see
a crumpled germy dolla dolla bill y'all
making my missing toenail not all for naught!!
moral of my journey:
don't wear leather biking boots in subarctic tempuratures to make a 5 mile journey..
cause while you think your tootsies are about as ugly as they could possibly get right now
as is
 let me tell you
YOU. ARE. WRONG
and something so small & seemingly insignificant as
ONE toenail M.I.A
 makes a
HUGE
difference in their overal appearence!

be good to your dogs:)
NOW TO WRAP THINGS UP
here are a few things that are ALL better looking than feet!
ENJOY;)





2 comments:

Tonya Elgan said...

I would just like to say your blog is AWESOME!! lots of fun things to read and look at.. :) congrats on the baby!

Katie Jane said...

That's when you hire a homeless to piggyback you. Glad you made it out alive.

 
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