FEET ARE SWEET:)

DIRTY DOGS!

So..

like any other normal female i'd like to think that i have a pair of average feet
10 toes

borderline ticklish

loves slippers, flippy floppys, and fresh mowed grass

tend to reak like old cheese if they get shoved into tennis shoes sans socks..

oh and BUGLY..

(cause lets be honest feet are kinda like pugs..

cute in a mostly ugly way)

so you know..

NORMAL..

well MOSTLY

my feet NEVER seem to callous..

my heels are just scars from blisters that

come, pop, rejuice, pop, dissappear, then come again..

it's a vicious never ending cycle

so now that i've given you that lovely little inside into my orthopedic history

(you're welcome ps)

i MUST however commend them for having a higher than norm pain tolerance..

a HUGE bonus

considering i would be substancially heftier

if i couldn't

chronically abuse them..

seriously though, if i waited for every blister to heal before jumping back on the horse

or in this case treadmill

i'd work out about once a week..

and thats lame sauce..

however sometimes it has drawbacks..

such as..

i don't know when to stop..

i always just push them until my goal is accomplished..

an example of this happening a few weeks ago..

i rode to IF with my mom, for appointments,
 the Wednesday evening prior to that fateful Thursday

and when Moo had to fly out early the next morning for work

she just drove herself in the van to the airport and parked it

intending for me to get a ride from my Aunt Dene later in the day

so that i may have a mode of transportation

however when it came time for Van Retrieval

i decided that i might as well just walk from my Aunt's house..

cause it was only like 2 miles..

it was a FEW MORE THAN A FEW..

so there was my FIRST brain fart..

when i went to put on my shoes designated for this type of activity
 i remembered my tennis shoes were in said van

naturally in their ergonomically correct place

i put on my leather 'wannabe-biker' books
(i try to make pregnancy look more Bad A than it is..)

there lies my SECOND brain fart..

and it looked fairly mild outside so i went with minimum winter wear for my trek

enter THIRD brain fart

the one day that Idaho decided it wanted to man up

and have a day kinda like a Wyoming winter..

lets just state for the record by the time i reached my destination

i couldn't feel most of my body..

(they look cozy compaired to how i felt)

so basically a lot of brain fartage went on in a short amount of time..

so i set off on my adventure

looking

SUPER FLY

sweats tucked into knee high biker boots, a lime green puffy coat that makes me look even more rotund than i currently am, fluffy patterened earmuffs, and

ONE RED GLOVE..

(cause i couldn't find it's significant other)

(yes i did in fact look as homo-rific as all the people in the picture above)

it's such a mystery why no one pulled over to offer a ride..

...hmmm..

so i'm walking.. walking and losing feeling..but making progress

and all goes well for the first mile.. mile & 1/2..

and then my right foot starts to hurt..

NBD

we're almost there..

but no.. no we are not almost there

and soon my left foot starts to feel some discomfort as well

and the right foots suffering only increases..

i then get to the point in my journey where i

VAGUELY

remember a short cut..

so i am faced with a decision..

continue on the path i know FOR SURE

OR

take a GAMBLE and arrive at destination sooner

my feet are crying a little bit..

i'm already startin to do the geezer lean at this point

so i decide to take the path less traveled..

not my best idea

(not my worst either)

i. get. lost.

i end up having to back track a couple times

all the while the suffering in my boots is

INTENSIFYING SIGNIFICANTLY..

i am finally able to locate a way out of hellish suburban labrynth

and back out onto the main road i would have taken anyways

had i stayed true to the course..

palm. face.

so i'm ALMOST back on track

my dogs are barking so loud

 i. want. to. cry

not sure if i was able to hold back my tears

OR

if it was too cold for them to leave my eyes & they just froze before they could make an exit

??????

but all the sudden i feel something go

POP

in my right boot..

i kinda pause

and for a moment

i. am. relieved.

cause in my head whatever was hurting is now gone and all will be well

well..

all was NOT well..

and the pain is now worst..

but i have no other option but to push onward..

(if HUNT & EDWARDS stopped would they have beaten LEWIS & CLARK to the Pacific Ocean?? i submit they would NOT!!)

(white water in the morning.. and.. thats it!)

so i'm now hobbling along at sloth pace..

i'm actually more like doing a weird IGOR drag my right foot shuffle thing..

and i still have a mile to go..

but i close the distance slowly but surely..

i finally make it to the employee parking lot..

when i arrive my heart involuntarily sinks a bit..

because MOO always parks nearest the exit..

except for today.. when she parked as far from it as she possibly could have..

which added only 100 ft to my trek..

but when something on your foot has

POPPED

100 ft is a big dang deal..

Man Van has never been so lovely to me than at the moment when i turned the key in her ignition and cranked that heater

( i mean trips to state wrestling, and hog-tying Olyvia with braided walmart sacks & gagging her with a bikini top on a family vaca are close seconds but nothing compares to being able to simply sit down after seemingly walking 1000 miles)

when my fingers regained some dexterity i was finally able to remove my boots and discover

not so surprisingly

2 bloody socks..

do i care though at this moment??
NOT. AT. ALL

once again i am just happy to be on my rear end..

i change outta those knee high leather torture devices
and i am back in action

.. well with a slight limp..

later that night i take a bath & finally remove my bloody socks

(yes i wore them the rest of my day color me gross)

and upon closer inspection i find 5 blisters, 1 cut, and

ONE MISSING TOENAIL..

sick nasty poo poo..

i was okay with all of it until i found out about my little fallen soldier..

and then i was mostly just sicked out..

mostly..

BUT 

don't think i did all that for nothing

a. i had a car.

and

b. when i had about .3 miles left i looked down on the sidewalk and what did i see

a crumpled germy dolla dolla bill y'all

making my missing toenail not all for naught!!
moral of my journey:
don't wear leather biking boots in subarctic tempuratures to make a 5 mile journey..
cause while you think your tootsies are about as ugly as they could possibly get right now
as is
 let me tell you
YOU. ARE. WRONG
and something so small & seemingly insignificant as
ONE toenail M.I.A
 makes a
HUGE
difference in their overal appearence!

be good to your dogs:)
NOW TO WRAP THINGS UP
here are a few things that are ALL better looking than feet!
ENJOY;)

DO AS I SAY NOT AS I'VE DONE.

DO as i SAY.. NOT as i've DONE!

 

This is a blog post for the ladies.

Ladies some of you out there are with boys that do not treat you well.

For some of you this might be a recent development.

For others this may be a reoccuring trend.

To both of those situations i say

'GET OUT'

When i say this i am not implying it will never work out. It very well might.

But if it does in fact work out, will you be happy if things stay the same way they are right now.

In THIS moment?

If not then distance yourself. Until that person in question learns to treat you the way you deserve to be treated & gains respect for you.

 I KNOW how hard this is.

But as hard as it is you need to find a way to

LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN HIM.

That may sound impossible but trust me when i say it is necessary.

Cause one day he may not be there, & you will want to fall apart.

You will need to be strong if this happens & have some love for yourself so you don't destroy yourself.

I am still learning how to do this.

But i work on it everyday. I guess it's easier for me to refrain from self loathing to too far of an extent at this point in time because i HAVE to take care of myself.

I CANNOT let myself fall apart & i CANNOT give up

because i'm responsible for another human being besides myself

Some of you

(MOST I HOPE)

won't have this same excuse to keep it together.

But really

You CANNOT change him. You CANNOT make him treat you right. You CANNOT make him care.

And this has NOTHING to do with you.

It has EVERYTHING to do with him.

And the choices he makes.

Yes, he CHOOSES to do this too.

He will tell you, you deserve better than what he gives you. That he needs to do better.

BUT words without actions are worth about 2 big brown shits.

There is nothing you CAN or SHOULD have to change about yourself to fix things.

This is NOT YOUR MESS.

If you ever want things to get better though you need to be the one to change.

Cause chances are if he's the one reaping all the benefits

'GETTING his cake and EATING it too'

he is not going to do a DAMN thing to upset the current state of things

Why should he?

He still gets to be 'one of the boys', have all the freedom he could desire, stay in a constant state of carefree, and STILL have you on the side when ever he wants.

He DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.

He probably tells you he does, and he has probably convinced himself that he might.

BUT trust me when i say this is for his sake.

NOT YOURS

You do not destroy people you care about.

You DESERVE better.

You DESERVE someone who is willing to put in AS MUCH IF NOT MORE than you are.

You DESERVE having every day be YOUR NEW FAVORITE DAY!

So please girls. DO NOT SETTLE.

I'm not saying he's not the one. I sincerly hope that he is your one and only.

However do NOT let him treat you like you are ANYTHING less than amazing.

One and only's are meant to go both ways.

 

 

 

 

PS

Really DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I'VE DONE.

Im 22 years old. Single. And pregnant.

Pretty pregnant

Over 7 months pregnant.

And my pregnancy is rapidly approaching its end.

In some ways this is a relieving thought.

NOT BEING PREGNANT ANYMORE??

FANNNNNNNNTASTIC!

But to be honest it's a more terrifying than anything.

I'm entering my third trimester & i still have

NO IDEA

what i'm going to do..

This is nothing like what i expected my life to be like.

ESPECIALLY

 After meeting the father of our now growing child..

This is DEFINETLY not what i expected my first pregnancy to be.

The single part.

I expected this invasion of my body to be pretty awful

(and it has NOT disappointed)

Especially since the father of my child was with me for 1&1/2 years

No one would have ever guess that though the way he treated me.

People STILL wouldn't believe it if i didn't have evidence sitting heavily on my midsection

Technically we dated for 6 months.

And then i was more or less (or MORE) his

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

For 12 more months

And I ALLOWED it to happen..

Was i wrong to allow it to happen?

ABSOLUTELY.

And from more than even a religious standpoint.

From the point of being a human being it was wrong to allow that sort of abuse.

Most people look at the word 'abuse' and they think only of the physical form.

Lets be clear that is NOT the kind I speak of.

I allowed him to convince me time and time again he DID care about me.

He WOULD do better.

He WOULD treat me better.

That never happened. And I never pushed for it.

Not REALLY pushed for it anyways.

I was willing to put up with all his excuses if it meant i got to keep him.

I'd let everything slide.

I allowed him to treat me like a second class citizen.

And when we'd screw up morally I'd allow him to treat me like it was my fault.

When his christian guilt would kick in & he'd push me away like i was the reason for all of our sins.

I TOOK it.

And i let him tell me he was

'Sorry for messing up.. again.'

Little did i realize you can make a mistake

ONCE

after that it's a

CHOICE..

Guess what it didn't get better.

And eventually it caught up with us.

Well with ME at first

Honestly I'm still not sure how much of it will really affect him

Some might say we had a good run

(as sick an sadistic as that sounds??)

Our sins didn't catch up with us for a long time

Alas I still ended up pregnant.

Ever so convex and alone..

The biggest problem that led to all this?

I LOVED HIM MORE THAN I LOVED MYSELF

&

 HE DIDN'T LOVE ANYONE BUT HIMSELF..

 

I know

What a pathetic sob story.. brought this upon herself..Who cares(no one probably)

 Blah blah blah

But really ladies

Heed my words

YE BE WARNED

 

 

It won't happen to me.. Until it did..

What to expect.. 

Not exactly what you were expecting..
 

People have been procreating since the dawn of time
Pregnancy is NOT a new happening..
 however up until recently I always viewed it a LOT differently than it actually is.. 

more magical? more glamorous? more glowy? less fat?

WAY FREAKIN EASIER???

perhaps..
 

now most reading this are now wondering

'How could Amy possibly know all this?'
hmmm
well....

 that's right!

I am now a bona fide member of the 'Holy Vessel Hoes'

joke

there isn't actually a club

BUT 

if there was, we'd have jackets

 

Now that I have embarked on this journey known as

PREGNANCY

(where there is only one, yes ONE!!, way out)

 

(childbirth)

(EEEEK!)

 

Now that my secret is not so secret I would like to clear up some common

MISSconceptions 

over the 

"Miracle"

that is known as childbearing..

 

I mean sure

the outcome is wonderful

as long as it's a cute baby, and yes folks, let's be frank

Ugly babies exist!

And they could happen to you

BUT

the road to that screaming poopy bundle of baby

(pregnancy)

and it is a looooong hard one not meant for the faint of heart

which is probably why it is a job specifically for womenfolk..

1. Bleeding gums of the worlds unite!

 

I brush AND floss

regularly

I don't pride myself on many aspects of my hygiene..

BUT

oral hygiene I take Schneriously!

thanks to my wacky hormones anytime I brush my teeth

I look like I just crawled out of an MMA ring

my teeth are so bloody it looks as though I might have just gargled with type O..

Now my toothbrush sesh's feel like a Twilight book..

not quite so bad that they feel like a Twilight movie though..

2. I'm not fat I'm pregnant!

Okay okay so I'm a little fat.. But I'm also with child

I am an admittedly overly healthy eater.. I can take it to scary strict levels

While I've been preggers though I have been more lax

Not that I binge on Cheetos and ice cream 24/7

I have not gone Jessica Simpson with this..

"Uh...i can hear you getting fatter"

 

YET I have still managed to gain a whopping

TWENTY pounds

 

At 7 months I'm not sure if this is good or bad

But at 150 lbs.. I feel like a whale..

A fat whale..

With a badonkadonk that would make Nicki Minaj super jelly!

what can i say i was predispositioned to be a ghetto booty poster child.. thanks mom

 

3. Bladder capacity?? What bladder capacity??

I am on the can

CONSTANTLY

it got better during the 2nd trimester

but at the beginning i should have just moved  my bed into the bathroom..

8 bathroom runs a were a nightly occurance

now that i'm entering the 3rd we'll see how the ole pee bag does..

 

4. But i am le' tired.

Never in my whole life have i needed

SOOO

many naps.. not even when i was little and naps were socially acceptable!

growing another little person is

HARD WORK!

and if i don't get 10 hours of good quality shut eye

 i am as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop..

 

5. BURN BABY BURN

 

i know, i know, it's cliche for a preggers lady to complain about heartburn

but this shit is real..

i avoided it for 5 &1/2 months and then

BAM

my throat is being eated by hellish flames

 

ALSO

my whole life i have always been cold..

UNTIL NOW..

i'm hot all the time

trying to sleep is the worst..

i would probably have better luck at not overheating if i slept naked

if i didn't have such an aversion to my naked body..

just know, when you're knocked up, you will constantly be wondering

who turned the thermostat setting to

HELL

 

6. Achey Breaky BACK

Have you ever had someone kick you repeatedly in the tailbone??

well

pregnancy has more or more the same effect..

(good news i figured out what's causing this agonized back pain.. i'm growing another human being.. i guess that'll put a LITTLE extra strain on your body)

 

7. Smells like Teen Spirit.. only worse..

i have never had a keen sense of smell..

bloodhound i am not

i was the child growing up that when everyone if the class was like

"WHO BEEFED!"

i had to pretend like i smelled it too cause really my nasal cavity wasn't offended

i just didn't want them to think it was me..

HOWEVER

thanks to my condition i have acquired a slightly better sniffer..

but it doesn't apply to all areas..

i still can't smell good smells but oh my heck bad smells have been amplified to unGodly levels..

 

8. Heavy breathing.. NOT just for perverts..

while we're on the subject of noses i must address

STUFFY SINUS..

my nose is always plugged up.. booger production has been kicked into high gear..

so now

thanks to that cute symptom..

 My name is Amy, and i'm a creepy mouth breather

 

9. I can count to POTATO!

pregnancy brain is real folks..

and it affects countless women everyday

at this point i could probably plan a surprise party for myself...

"John Hancock...it's Herbie Hancock"

 

10. The world is a fuzzy place

my vision has gotten

EXCEEDINGLY

worse as my pregnancy has progressed..

night driving?? forget about it..

i mean i still do it

but OBVIOUSLY i haven't always made the smartest decisions (i.e. my baby bump)

 

 

 

11 ..its called reading, top to bottom, left to right, group words together as a sentence, take tylenol for any headaches, midol for any cramps ...

i have suffered chronic headaches my whole pregnancy

only had full blown migraines a few times..

but on most days it feels like elephants are tap dancing with soccer cleats on my brain..

 

 

so there it is

a glimpse into a world that i've now discovered to be

OH SO GLAMOROUS

thanks to good decision making at it's finest

you're welcome PETA

 

 

also

seriously don't touch me... and don't touch my belly..

it's not like you can rub it for good luck..

 

 

FINALLY 

Here is  preg-related media i enjoyed..

..and there goes my childhood...

something doesn't add up..

not everyone was meant for motherhood.. obvi

that's amazazing

this perfectly embodies what every pregnant woman feels like 25/8

pregnancy at it's classiest

preggers plank

good thing she remembered her scarf set.. otherwise she would have look completely ridiculous standing out in the snow..

color me judgemental but.. what kind of a name is 'Junge'?

 

 

 

if i wanted to hear what an asshole had to say i would have farted

..If I Wanted to Hear What An Asshole

Had to Say I Would Have Farted..

So for those of you who don't know I have been in Florida for the past 2&1/2 weeks..

thought i'd come down & get in touch with my 'brown roots'

JOKE..

wow sometimes i sound really racist

i'm not

i just have a scewed sense of thinking..

actually i'm really here to take care of my youngest sister Lyvie..

^MEET LYVIE^

...............................

...............................................................

JOKE.. THIS IS OLYVIA

That was a random hobo i found in Couer D'Alene..

..apparently when it comes to bums..

..Northern Idaho plays to win..

ANYWAYS!

...................................................................

.....................................

Back to my original train of thought

You're probably wondering what the title of this post has to do with this actual post

the answer

..nothing.. so far..

i'm about to change that right now

Many of you are aware that it is an election year

The only way you could NOT be aware is if you are

a.dead or b.honey boo boo

While i've been aware that Florida is a swing state

(They only highlight it as need-to-win EVERY. STINKING. ELECTION)

I had NO idea how many political ads

BOMBARD

this penninsula errrrrrr 4 years..

basically i everywhere i turn i hear/read/SMELL political advertisments

my ears are BLEEDING OUT over the whole ordeal

DON'T GET ME WRONG!

I am an informed voter

I follow the convention, the debates, the statistics

BUT

past that

 i DO NOT want to hear the he said, he did, he DIDN'T

(ps.. he really didn't.. do anything right..)

so i decided because i hate all the commercials feeding me lies & massive steaming piles of excrement

i was going to make a post

FOCUSING

on some of my favorite commercials

& because they are MY faveys they are awesome!

Frank

There's NO RULES!

PUSH IT

:)

My Legacy

Hellooooo Mrs. Jensen

Happy Holidays:)

HAIR today..GONE tomorrow..

Hair Today.. Gone Tomorrow..

We DeCoria's have acquired a

PRIDE

of cats over the years..

Our most recent addition is Miss Kitty, aka. M.K, aka Frank..

joke we don't ever call her Frank..

anyways she is Ms. Long Hair Don't Care

coolest cat ever!

seriously

even the biggest cat haters are put under her spell after being in her presence for mere minutes..

only down side to her is she gets dredlocks..

RASTA FELINE EXTRODINAIRE

& she get's them RIGHT up in her business.. up next to her skin..

making it dang near impossible to cut out with scissors

so today we were feeling particularly bold

& decided that we were going to shave the dreds out of her pits..

so we got all of our tools ready:

Clippers

Towel

Finely chopped hotdog

and away we went:)

so here we are at the beginning of it all.. we had actually just got done shaving 1 pit.. when Nicole decided she was going for

WIFE OF THE YEAR

& decided that we should just shave her like a LION for Phil!

before we start to rob her of her crowning glory

ps.. MK is the chillest cat ever..

COLDER THAN ICECUBE!

^truth^

 as long as she got the occasional hotdog bit & had her head constantly rubbed she was good!

Giving me the evil eye as i start on her belly

 Miss Kitty just needed a little break before we finished the job

 Not completely done with her hack job but as far as we were gonna get today..

we thought she looked

FABULOUS

she had to warm up to her new 'do'..

 considering i do HUMAN hair.. i am actually rather proud of this hack job

my  mona lisa if you will

her TAIL!

& so here is MK

now knowing what's life's like in the shoes of Miley Cyrus

compliments of:

coley:cat holder extrodinaire

mom: second string cat holder (due to allergies)

ames: semi professional cat groomer.. & amature tattoo artist