Saturday, April 13, 2013

That's A'MOLE!

well..that's new!!

The human body is an AMAZING thing
a wonderful, complex-at times confusing-amazing thing
There is NO other time in your entire life, that its wonder & complexity will manifest itself more greatly, than during gestation
It will also be at its MOST confusing during those 40 weeks..
at least that was the case for me
puberty, in the (ALMOST) verbatim words of Sir M.C. Hammer, 'can't touch it'

 Now during my stint with pregnancy i learned
a LOT about myself..a LOT about my body..
some of what i discovered 
MAY have manifested itself just since baby's conception
 & some MIGHT have been there my entire 22 years of being just
for me to find it
...but then again i wouldn't know because i obviously DIDN'T find it

An example of the latter being
my BOOGER mole

It all started one fine evening in early February ..
sitting around the kitchen table..
in the midst of deep meaningful conversation (cause that's all we have in casa DeCoria) my dear sister Coley suddenly exclaims (in a semi-disgusted tone)
'Why do you have a BOOGER on your shoulder?'
admittedly i'm taken aback..
my mind is reeling
'how did i get a booger on my shoulder?'
more importantly
so i find words, play it cool, & ask
'What are you talking about?'
she replies (ever degrading)
'That booger on your shoulder you filthy hampster'
so i look down to investigate
& sure enough there is what appears to be nose residue
on. my. shoulder

it was NOT a booger
it was in fact a mole
a mole that i have had my entire life
a mole that up until 8 months before was small, dark brown, & FLAT
NOT this light-brown-puffed-up-brainy-BEHEMOTH

first & foremost, i am relieved that nobody intentionally wiped a booger upon my shoulder..
secondly, i wonder, 'what the hell happened to my mole'..
and last, but to me least, ...i hope it doesn't mean cancer..

moving on to my next example
'NIPpin out'

so then maybe a week later
...maybe not even a week
i make another startling discovery
(now i'm really not sure what led me to find this next.. thing
but i found it so that's all that matters)
so that fateful morn of a very confusing day in my life
i had been to the gym & due to my growing girth
i. sweat. a. LOT
..mostly kinda sorta ONLY in my bra..
i don't get swack, i don't get swass, but i get mean swoob
due to my copious amounts of boob perspiration
 i had to switch bras once i got home
i'm in the midst of my wardrobe change
making sure everything is dry & normal
& that's when i saw it
in all it's not-normalness
towards the bottom of my right breast, what appeared to be a
third nipple, was suddenly
just. there.
i'm not going to lie to you i stared at it for an inordinate amount of time
i mean come on.. how often in your life are you going to find another nipple on your person.. & one that looks like it belongs on a CAT no less
so i'm investigating & all the while my mind was reeling..
 'WHAT AM I?!?!'
immediately i send a text to my Coley
it read
'ummmm.. sooooo.. i think i have a third nipple.. just found it..'
& i wait & i wait & i WAIT
& the response
there was no response
radio. silence.

i'm dying at this point, still in shock, needing to hash it out
& my person is letting me down
i mean in all fairness she rarely has her phone on her & even more rarely responds
but i was talking about a
it at least merited a 'bummer' or 'that sucks' or 'far out, me too!'
(ps she doesn't really have one too..)
really in my life the 2 times i've texted her when it's been really important
she kinda left me hanging
(obviously she eventually got around to responding about me being preggers.. although, she DID think the picture of a positive pee stick was a JOKE, at first..who's laughing now??)
but my 'cat teat' text??
i heard nothing
so i pulled it together, composed myself, & buried it deep, DEEP down 

the next time Coley was home though..
probably only a few days later..
i exhumed what i had pushed out of my mind
once again addressing her as i was walking up the stairs
'Cole i think i have a 3rd nipple'
 (she was at the top of the stairs with Moo)
 both suddenly take a new-found interest in my discovery & they want to see it
right. then.
i at first day no
hesitating so share it with stranger eyes..
i then realize their bodies have formed a barricade at the top of the stairs
 so if i want to reach the top i have to give the goods
...or at least show them..
so with almost no self-respect left, i make like it's spring break, raise my shirt hem & bare my bottom boob
they stare in silence for .2 seconds.
& then they laugh.. & laugh.. & laugh..
then they move closer to take a better look
& they laugh some more..
& then, finally, once it's lost some of its entertainment value
they become somewhat concerned
 & suggest i have Dr. Milleson check it out at my next OB/GYN appt..
i realize it's probably not something she deals with on the reg but i'm hoping she might be able to help me understand WHY i'm suddenly exhibiting
alarming feline tendencies

so now i'm at my final OB/GYN appt..
pee in a cup, find out how NOT-thin i am, we listen to the baby, everything's good,
& lastly she asked do you have any questions or concerns??
i say 'yes..'
(because i do..i have some VERY concerning questions)
i then proceed to ease into it by telling her about
'booger mole'
i wanted to start things out normal, not lay it on too thick too fast
she says okay well we can check it out & maybe have it biopsied if need be
i say 'wonderful'
then sit there in silence
she then proceeds to once again ask
'anything else?'
i, not being able to hold out any longer, finally have to address 'IT'
'umm.. yes.. i sort of.. i.. um.. i think i found a third nipple'
now THIS got her attention
she says with new found interest
i then proceed to show her my seemingly new nipple
she investigates & starts to ask about it
i really wasn't in any position to answer many of her questions seeing as i myself was still getting to know it
so we kinda stare at it for a minute longer
& then she let's me know that it kinda looks like maybe a mole
that it doesn't look unsafe
weird yes but not necessarily alarming
 & we'd find out soon if it lactates
that is just. what. i want. to hear

so i leave my dr's appt.
feeling somewhat liberated that 'cat teat' is out of the bag
& upon my arrival home Coley & Moo are curious
about how it went
i give them the run down about everything
& then Moo asked
'Well what did she say about 'booger mole?''
i then realize
i completely forgot about 'booger mole'!!
not only that
Dr. Milleson completely forgot about 'booger mole'
it's totally understandable
i mean COME ON
how many times does someone address you with a problem of
too. many. nipples?
i'm not sure but i'm guessing it's a really low if not non-existant number
we WERE concerned about both new developments
as soon as i whipped 'CAT TEAT' out 'BOOGER MOLE' was old news

so you might be sitting there wondering
'why did i disclose this information?' or 'how can you unread what you just read'
at the very least you can take from this
2 VERY good examples of how confusing & amazing the human body can be
1 inordinately long blog post within which you will probably read the word 'nipple' more times than at ANY other time in your life..
at least i hope that's the case
(i can't imagine many causes to have that word that many times in any one place)
 i'm going to have to raise that count
 just a few more real quick
 while i disclose that 'cat nipple' does NOT lactate
 & therefore is just a very unfortunate looking & porely placed mole..
not a nipple

 have a great rest of your day!!
be sure to floss, look left & right before crossing, & when you count your blessings 
be SURE to include
the fact that you have only dos semi-or-very-normal nipples! :)

(ps if you have more than 2 you can count as many blessings as needed per nipple) 

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